| According to a new survey one in four British women aren't getting any at the moment.
Of course all of those who admitted to celibacy said it was entirely by choice. They were new Nineties women, not sluts like their mothers in the Seventies. Waiting for the right man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not exactly oil paintings were you sweethearts? |
Of course they've probably got the right idea. Another recent survey showed that only ten men in a hundred changed their bed sheets every week. A few more managed to switch them once a month. None of the ten men I surveyed would have made either category. One turned them over once a month. One just looked blank and said, "change the sheets?" | |||
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On the subject of ignorant pricks. Nice to hear about the 49 year old Frenchman who thought he'd arrived at a naturist skiing resort last week.
A friend had informed him the resort was a broadminded one which would think nothing of naked skiers zooming around. He stripped down to his boots, skis and poles and went shooting off down the Alpine slope. Unfortunately the police were waiting for him at the foot of the slope where he was arrested and charged with indecent exposure. | ||||
Presumably someone who soon won't be feeling inclined to show off anything in public is Giles Letheran. The potty 27 year apparently has a new party trick which he merrily told The Sun about last week.
Apparently he slaps on a pair of handcuffs and asks someone to shove a live grenade down his trousers. He then has around seven seconds to do a Houdini-style escape before the thing blows taking his wedding tackle with it. "I know it's bloody dangerous but I love doing it," said Giles happily. Wanker. Probably not for much longer though. With his girlfriend Catherine looking like she's soon about to be join the one in four women shagless in Britain, it can be only hoped that she has the same sort of resources at her disposal as the fragrant Princess Di. |
As Di's lookalike bows out of the spotlight, dying her hair brunette and saying she can stand the pressure no more, the same bid for privacy is sadly eluding Di.
According to The Express she has just paid ú900 to become a member of a new gym which specialises in de-stressing its members, but didn't appear to have done the trick for Di who appeared a little under pressure when she spotted an army of photographers waiting for her outside her new secret hideaway. The photographers had spotted her BMW 5 series parked outside the gym and lain in wait for her emergence. After a brief debate, in which snappers told her they had recognised the car, Di headed straight for the shops. Her purchase? Not a sparkling new gym for her basement but a ú60,000 new motor. A touch unfortunate then that the News of the World snapped her in the car the next day and helpfully published a photo for the Di-hungry hacks. | |||
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Ulrika-ka-ka. Again. Now there's a woman who's heartedly abandonned this celibacy nonsense. Just days after our appeal to help the heartbroken blondey one to get her over the departure of the rippling muscular Hunter I see she's already managed to pull.
"I stole Ulrika from Hunter," schreeched the News of the World above a shot of the brawny 28 year old Jamie Anderson - former fiance to Gladiator Vogue. But there's still time lads. "I wouldn't describe him as my boyfriend," says Ulrika. Get in there whilst you can. Write to her c/o the BBC at Broadcasting House, Portland Place, London W1A 1AA. |
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Jenny Clark. The newly buxom barmaid who's gone from ironing board lookalike to Melinda Messenger wannabe with the help of a couple of ú2,600 implants. At 36 she's more of a bit past it but last week she was so keen to show regulars how she spent the cash that she stripped off and, as she charmingly told the News of the Screws, "starting flopping them over in time to the music."
Write to the Queen's Head, North Kelsey Moor, Lincs. |
Sophie Anderton. The 19 year old lovely who posed for the Gossard ads lying in a haystack with the message, "Who says a woman can't get pleasure from something soft?" Presumably there was nothing soft to be found on ex-fella Duncan Beck who told the Sunday papers about her passion for tying him naked to the bed and "did just about everything. Sophie was a very adventurous girl." The daft bugger's dumped her.
Console her by writing c/o Channel Four Corporation, 124 Horseferry Road, London, Sw1 2TX. |
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Worried housewife. She wrote to the problem pages this week saying her friend had loaned her a porn tape and now, "I keep imagining me being bonked by three men." Make her day. Write c/o Dear Jane, 1 Virginia Street, London, E1 9XR. | ||||
Mel C. The Sporty Spice is a lonely Spice she's told The Sun. She's looking for a man who likes beer and football. "My idea of the perfect night would be to go down to the pub, have a few beers, got to a football match - then back to the pub for a few more beers." Okay, her tits aren't as big as Geri's but it sounds like a damn good night out. Wannabe her lover? Write c/o The Sun, enclosing a photo to 1 Virginia Street, London |
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