hen it comes to college, don't hesitate to ask for help. Don't let your vanity get in the way of saving you and your family thousands of dollars.

Think about this: Princeton University considers a family earning $100,000 a year as a "middle income" household. That should make you realize that you can get financial help. All you've got to do is ask - and know who and what to ask.

With the right aid package, you can send your child to one of the more expensive and prestigious schools in America and pay less than you would at a state-subsidized university.

Don't give up if the financial aid offer you receive from a college falls below what you had hoped. The simple response is "appeal."

Government college aid programs, both federal and state, are being cut back. The schools, in turn, must foot a bigger percentage of the bill with their own money. This year it was 20 percent.

As a result, aid packages are offered at the skimpiest possible level. Offers are not etched in stone. The college of your choice may only be making a "first offer," hoping that you're na∩ve enough to accept it.

If you were unaware that negotiation was possible, there's a good reason. In the past, colleges shared information on aid packages with other schools where the student had applied. Then, in concert, the schools offered nearly identical aid packages. In 1992, the Justice Department stopped that nonsense, reminding colleges and universities that such practices violated the nation's anti-trust laws and were, in essence, a form of price fixing.

Now you have a secret weapon. Colleges no longer know what deals you or your child have received from competing schools. Negotiate by requesting that the college of your choice meet or exceed what others offered. A survey by the National Association of College and University Business Offices reveals that some offers are increased as much as 30 percent.

Asking for a better deal costs you nothing. The school can neither withdraw its acceptance offer nor decrease its offer because you ask for more money.

The top three most persuasive arguments for increasing the package are:

Be prepared to discuss all three.

Have the offers neatly typed and ready to be faxed to the financial aid officer. You should agree to show the actual documentation to prove you got the offer. Know whether the competing school usually keeps up this level of aid, thereby making the offer reliable for four years. Lead with an offer from a school of the same caliber as the one with which you are negotiating. But don't leave out any good offer.

Hit the school with your best shot if your child had high academic achievements. My son wrote two books, and was on "Oprah," "Jay Leno" and numerous others television shows. On his high school application this feat sunk in only when we sent the actual books with the application. A listing under extracurricular activities got ignored. Take nothing for granted. If the child has community service, a special summer program, or "loves the school and is highly motivated by every one she met," be prepared to gush.

The financial hardship officers at the nation's colleges earned an average of $45,000 last year, so don't tell them that the dues at your country club are increasing. The needs have to be real. If you're elderly and your future income may be declining or you've had a business deal go sour, explain those issues to the aid officer. Remember, most parents do not negotiate. Financial officers have not "heard it all before," yet.

Call the financial aid office and ask to go through the exact method with which the school arrived at the offer. Most of the time the officer acts autonomously and can immediately up the offer. If the officer says " no," there is no further appeal. So, make friends with him or her. Explain that you're seeking a bigger package so your child can attend the school, which is your child's first choice. Offer to send a fax or e-mail with competing offers, while you're on the phone. Try to work together on seeing the way clear to a higher offer.

Make sure you know the aid history of the institution. Check Peterson's College Money Handbook 1998 to see how your package compares with the average given by the school.

Ultimately, the person with the power to increase your aid package is also the person who received and reviewed your aid application. Show respect for him or her from the beginning:

Keep a copy of everything.

Always apply to two similar schools to get leverage in negotiating your aid package.

If, during the conversation with the aid officer, you discover that he or she is mistaken about a fact, try to keep the conversation open until you can prove your point. The most frequent example is the belief that you can take out a home equity loan. Many parents have actually applied and been turned down. The rejection, once sent to the aid officer, reopens their child's case.