100	A Blonde's Brain At Work  
\n
\nA blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. 
\n"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." 
\n
\nSo the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. 
\n
\n"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." 
\n
\n"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught." 
\n 
\n
101	A Flaky Blonde  
\n
\nOne day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. 
\n
\n''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried. 
\n
\n''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''  
\n
102	Alligator Shoes  
\n
\nA young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. 
\nAfter becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" 
\n
\nThe shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" 
\n
\nDetermined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. 
\n
\nLater in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. 
\n
\nLying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" 
\n 
\n
103	Another Dumb Blonde  
\n
\nA young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'' 
\nThe ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!'' 
\n 
\n
104	Bad Day Blondie  
\n
\nHow do you know a blonde's having a bad day? 
\nHer tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil. 
\n 
\n
105	Barbie and Britney  
\n
\nQ: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common? 
\nA: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic. 
\n 
\n
106	Beware the Blonde Terrorist  
\n
\nDid you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband's car? 
\nShe burned her lips on the tailpipe! 
\n 
\n
107	Blonde - Death in the Family  
\n
\nOne day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time. 
\n''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!'' 
\n 
\n
108	Blonde - Detectives  
\n
\nThree blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect. 
\n''Easy,'' she replied. ''He only has one eye.'' 
\n
\nThe chief was stunned. ''He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!'' He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him. 
\n
\n''He only has one ear,'' was her answer. 
\n
\n''What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!'' He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, ''How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer.'' 
\n
\nAfter viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, ''He's wearing contact lenses.'' 
\n
\nThis took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, ''How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!'' 
\n
\n''Well,'' she said, ''he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?'' 
\n 
\n
109	Blonde - Elmo Factory  
\n
\nOnce there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her. 
\nAfter a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo. 
\n 
\n
110	Blonde - Two Coats  
\n
\nA blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart. 
\nWhile her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand. 
\n
\nHer husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room. 
\n
\nHe says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's with her wearing the two coats? 
\nShe replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!''
\n 
\n
111	Blonde and Dictionary  
\n
\nA blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick. 
\n
112	Blonde and Genie  
\n
\nA blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!'' ''Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!'' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''  
\n
113	Blonde and House  
\n
\nQ: What's worse than a redhead and a brunette trying to build a house underwater? 
\nA: A blonde trying to set fire to it. 
\n 
\n
114	Blonde and shower caps  
\n
\nA blonde was walking down the street with shower caps on her breasts. 
\nA guy asked her, "Hey, what's with the shower caps?" 
\n
\n"Shower caps?" she responded, "These are booby condoms!" 
\n 
\n
115	Blonde and Taxi  
\n
\nQ: What do a blonde and a taxi have in common?  
\n
116	Blonde and the Bottle Cap  
\n
\nQ: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on? 
\nA: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.'' 
\n 
\n
117	Blonde and Tracks  
\n
\nWhat do blondes and railroad tracks have in common? 
\nThey have both been laid all over America. 
\n 
\n
118	Blonde and Waitress  
\n
\nQ: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress' nametag? 
\nA: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?'' 
\n 
\n
119	Blonde at the Appliance Store  
\n
\nA blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. 
\n"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. 
\n
\nShe hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV." 
\n
\n"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. 
\n
\n"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. 
\n
\nShe went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." 
\n
\n"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. 
\n
\nFrustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" 
\n
\n"Because that's a microwave," he replied. 
\n 
\n
120	Blonde Battallion  
\n
\nWhat do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? 
\nRun, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth! 
\n 
\n
121	Blonde Coffee Drinker  
\n
\nA blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.'' 
\nThe brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''
\n 
\n
122	Blonde Driving  
\n
\nQ: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police? 
\nA: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people.
\n 
\n
123	Blonde Driving  
\n
\nA blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. 
\nThe cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?" 
\n
\nThe blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!" 
\n
\nThe cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!" 
\n 
\n
124	Blonde Half-Wit  
\n
\nWhat do you call a blonde with half a brain? 
\nGifted 
\n 
\n
125	Blonde Horse Ranch  
\n
\nA blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses. And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.  
\n
126	Blonde Ice Fishing  
\n
\nA blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''  
\n
127	Blonde in a boat.  
\n
\nThere was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde,  What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!   
\n
128	Blonde in a Car  
\n
\nA blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?" 
\n"Why sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially well for that." 
\n
\nA couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. 
\n
\n"No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
\n 
\n
129	Blonde in a Round Room  
\n
\nHow do you keep a blonde busy? 
\nPut her in a round room and tell her there is a vibrator in the corner!
\n 
\n
130	Blonde in a Swimming Race  
\n
\nA blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the blonde never finished. 
\nWhen the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, ''I don't want to be a tattletale or anything, but the other two used their arms.''
\n 
\n
131	Blonde in an Elevator  
\n
\nA tall blonde and a tall brunette are stading in an elevator. A short bald man with lots of dandruff walks in, then gets off at the next floor. The brunette says,  Boy he could use some head and shoulders.  The blonde says,  Hm. How do you give shoulders?   
\n
132	Blonde in Natchitoches  
\n
\nTwo tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, ''Before we order could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly.'' The blonde leaned over and said ''Burrrrrrr Gurrrrrr Kingggg.''  
\n
133	Blonde in the Mirror  
\n
\nTwo blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror. 
\nShe picks it up, looks into it, and says, "WOW! I know this person. I've seen this person somewhere before..." 
\n
\nThe other blonde takes the mirror, looks into it, and says, "Duh, of course you have. That's me!" 
\n 
\n
134	Blonde in Your Fridge  
\n
\nQ: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge? 
\nA: There is lipstick on the cucumber. 
\n 
\n
135	Blonde Joke  
\n
\nWant to hear three blonde jokes? 
\nListen to Hanson! 
\n 
\n
136	Blonde License  
\n
\nWhy was the blonde mad when she got her drivers license back? 
\nBecause she got an ''F'' in Sex. 
\n 
\n
137	Blonde Meets Cheerios  
\n
\nWhat did the blonde say when she saw a box Cheerios? 
\n"Neato...Doughnut seeds!"
\n 
\n
138	Blonde Multiple Orgasms  
\n
\nWhat does a blonde say after having multiple orgasms? 
\nGreat work, team! 
\n 
\n
139	Blonde on the Run  
\n
\nA blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one. 
\n"Meow," says the redhead. 
\n
\n"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack. 
\n
\n"Woof," says the brunette. 
\n
\n"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack. 
\n
\n"Potatoes," says the blonde. 
\n 
\n
140	Blonde Painting A Porch  
\n
\nA blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" 
\nThe blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 
\n
\n"You're finished already?" he asked. 
\n
\n"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. 
\n
\n"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." 
\n 
\n
141	Blonde Passenger  
\n
\nA blonde is on a four-engine plane. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot comes on the radio and says,  I'm sorry, our first engine has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes.  
\nThen there's another bang. Once again, the radio comes on and the pilot says the same thing except that the second engine shut down and that they'll be delayed nearly two hours. 
\nAfter that, the third engine shuts off and the pilot tells the passengers that they will be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says,  Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.   
\n
142	Blonde Pooltable  
\n
\nA blonde is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and she'll rack your balls.  
\n
143	Blonde Puzzle  
\n
\nQ: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? 
\nA: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years." 
\n 
\n
144	Blonde Safe Sex  
\n
\nWhat is a blonde's idea of safe sex? 
\nLocking the car door. 
\n 
\n
145	Blonde Submarine  
\n
\nQ: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A: Knock on the door. 
\n
146	Blonde Technology  
\n
\nQ: Why did the blonde sell her television? 
\nA: To buy a VCR!
\n 
\n
147	Blonde Valedictorian  
\n
\nA blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ''I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?'' 
\nHer mother replied, ''Of couse it is, dear.'' 
\n
\nThe next day, the blonde said, ''I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?'' 
\n
\nHer mother replied, ''Of course it is dear!'' 
\n
\nThe next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ''I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?'' 
\n
\nHer mother replied, ''No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old." 
\n 
\n
148	Blonde's Backseat  
\n
\nA blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat. 
\n''NO!'' yelled the blonde. 
\n
\nThe guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again. 
\n
\n''NO!'' the blonde yelled again. 
\n
\nThings got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped. 
\n
\n''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy. 
\n
\n''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?'' 
\n
\nThe blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.'' 
\n 
\n
149	Blonde's Coffin  
\n
\nWhy's the blonde's coffin shaped like a Y? 
\nCuz every time she hits her back, her legs spread! 
\n 
\n
150	Blonde's Favorite Nursery Rhyme  
\n
\nWhat's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? 
\nHumpme Dumpme 
\n 
\n
151	Blonde's Legs  
\n
\nWhat did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one? 
\nBetween you and me we could make a lot of money! 
\n 
\n
152	Blonde...Foreplay  
\n
\nWhat do blondes do for foreplay ? 
\n
\nRemove their underwear. 
\n
153	Blonderrific Hair!  
\n
\nWhy did the blonde run out of shampoo? 
\nShe kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat! 
\n 
\n
154	Blondes and Cops  
\n
\nOne day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license. 
\n''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.'' 
\n 
\n
155	Blondes Are Whores, Apparently  
\n
\nWhat do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head? 
\nAll you can eat for under a buck. 
\n 
\n
156	Blondes in a Convertible  
\n
\nTwo blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while. 
\nThen one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded, 
\n
\n"HURRY, HURRY, IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!" 
\n 
\n
157	Blondevision  
\n
\nA blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. 
\n"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. 
\n
\nShe hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV." 
\n
\n"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. 
\n
\n"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. 
\n
\nShe went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV." 
\n
\n"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. 
\n
\nFrustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" 
\n
\n"Because that's a microwave," he replied. 
\n 
\n
158	Blondog  
\n
\nWhy does a blond dog have lumps on his head? 
\nFrom chasing parked cars! 
\n 
\n
159	Brain Cell  
\n
\nWhat do you call a blonde with two brain cells? 
\nPregnant! 
\n 
\n
160	Brunette Meets Genie  
\n
\nA brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears. 
\nThe genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much." 
\n
\nThe woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house." 
\n
\nThe genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two." 
\n
\nThe the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man." 
\n
\nThe genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two." 
\n
\nThe lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it." 
\n 
\n
161	Comfortable  
\n
\nTwo sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock. 
\nThe brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." 
\n
\nThe brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram. 
\n
\nShe walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." 
\n
\nThe telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." 
\n
\nWell, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable." 
\n
\nThe telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?" 
\n
\nThe brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly." 
\n 
\n
162	Dead Blonde in Closet  
\n
\nQ: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet? 
\nA: The hide and seek champion of 1996. 
\n 
\n
163	Death Row in Women's Prison  
\n
\nThree women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim" 
\nSuddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" 
\n
\nEveryone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. 
\n
\nThe guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim" 
\n
\nSuddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" 
\n
\nEveryone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. 
\n
\nBy now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim" 
\n
\nAnd the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!" 
\n 
\n
164	Deer Tracks  
\n
\nThree blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!" 
\nThe second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!" 
\n
\nThe third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!" 
\n
\nThey where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.
\n 
\n
165	Don't Step Out of the Car  
\n
\nA blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. 
\nThe driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. 
\n
\nHe's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" 
\n
\nShe says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!" 
\n 
\n
166	Eternity  
\n
\nDefinition of eternity? 
\nFour blondes in four cars at a four-way stop. 
\n 
\n
167	Father to Blonde Daughter  
\n
\nWhat did the father say to his blonde daughter? 
\n''If you're not in bed by 11, come home.'' 
\n 
\n
168	First Class Blondie  
\n
\nA beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. 
\nThe blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA." 
\n
\nFlustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. 
\n
\nAgain, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA." 
\n
\nThe captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear. 
\n
\nShe immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. 
\n
\nHe replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA." 
\n 
\n
169	Getting Flowers  
\n
\nA blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason." 
\nThe blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" 
\n
\nThe brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." 
\n
\nThe blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?" 
\n 
\n
170	Heaven and Hell  
\n
\nJohn and Bob were inseparable childhood friends . One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St.Peter and said, ''St.Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!'' St. Peter said, ''My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven.'' This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, ''Are you sure I'm in the right place?' 
\n''My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''
\n 
\n
171	Horseback Riding  
\n
\nA blonde named Anna had a near death experience. The other day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.  
\n
172	Interblonde  
\n
\nWhat's the difference between a blonde and the internet? 
\nNot everyone's been on the internet!
\n 
\n
173	Iron Phone  
\n
\nA blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened. 
\n"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron." 
\n
\n"What about the other one?" 
\n
\n"They called back."
\n 
\n
174	Jingle Blondes  
\n
\nWhat did Santa say to the three blondes on the corner? 
\n"Ho. Ho. Ho." 
\n 
\n
175	Lake Wannaswimma  
\n
\nTwo blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. 
\n"How do I get to the other side?" 
\n
\n"Duh! You ARE on the other side!" 
\n 
\n
176	Le Parfumerie y le Blonde  
\n
\nOne day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi." 
\nThe blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me." 
\n
\nSo the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."
\n 
\n
177	Leggy Blonde  
\n
\nWhat did the blondes right leg say to the left leg? 
\nNothing. They've never met. 
\n 
\n
178	Mirror, Mirror  
\n
\nIn a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first. 
\n"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth." 
\n
\n"POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try. p> "I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth." 
\n
\n"POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up. 
\n
\n"I think--" 
\n
\n"POOF!" 
\n 
\n
179	Natural Blonde  
\n
\nWhat do you call a blonde that dyes her hair? 
\nArtifical intelligence. 
\n 
\n
180	No-So-Dumb Blonde  
\n
\nOne day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway. 
\nHe says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa." 
\n
\nShe says no again, and tries to fall asleep. 
\n
\nThe man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?" 
\n
\nAt that number, the blonde agrees. 
\n
\nThe businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500. 
\n
\n"Got it," she replies. 
\n
\nHe asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5. 
\n
\nNow it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?" 
\n
\nThe businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00. 
\n
\nThen, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?" 
\n
\nShe thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane. 
\n 
\n
181	Not All Blondes Are Dumb  
\n
\nTwo bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!'' With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left. 
\nThe dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ''What the hell did she roll anyway?'' The second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying attention!'' 
\n 
\n
182	Not Going To Try This Again  
\n
\nA blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. 
\nShe tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. 
\n
\nFinally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. 
\n
\nShe starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
\n 
\n
183	One-Armed Blonde  
\n
\nHow do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? 
\nWave!
\n 
\n
184	One-Eyed Blonde  
\n
\nTwo blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!'' 
\nThe other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?'' 
\n 
\n
185	Pop Goes The Blonde  
\n
\nA man notices a blonde sucking on the bottom of a Coke can. Curious, he asks her what she's doing. 
\n"Duh! It says for best taste drink by date on the bottom." 
\n 
\n
186	Replacing Vanna  
\n
\nQ: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White? 
\nA: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.
\n 
\n
187	Smile if You're Blonde  
\n
\nWhy do blondes smile when lightening flashes? 
\nBecause they think their pictures are being taken. 
\n 
\n
188	Suicidal Blonde  
\n
\nOne day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun. After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head. 
\n"What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend. 
\n
\n"Shut up! You're next!" 
\n 
\n
189	Talking Blondes  
\n
\nWhy doesn't a blonde talk during sex? 
\nBecause her mother told her never to talk to strangers. 
\n 
\n
190	Tank Girl  
\n
\nHow do you stop a blonde tank? 
\nShoot the people pushing it! 
\n 
\n
191	TeleBlond  
\n
\nA blonde walks into an appliance store, and asks to buy a television set. 
\n"Sorry," says the owner. "We don't allow blondes in here." The blonde leaves and dyes her hair brown. The next day, she returns and asks to buy the television. 
\n
\n"Sorry," says the owner. "We don't allow blondes in here." 
\n
\n"Hey," says the blonde, shocked, "how'd you know it was me?" 
\n
\n"You've been trying to buy a microwave." 
\n 
\n
192	The Blonde & The Coke Machine  
\n
\nIt was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in. 
\nAnd since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!" 
\n
\nAnd the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!" 
\n 
\n
193	The Blonde and Her Melons  
\n
\nThis blonde was walking down a road, when this guy came along. The blond was carrying a bag. The guy goes, ''What are you carrying?'' She goes, ''Melons.'' The guy goes, ''Cool. if I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?'' The blonde giggles and goes, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.''  
\n
194	The Blonde's Special Order  
\n
\nA brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an ice cream parlor together. The brunette went up and asked for a Dr. Pepper float with no ice cream. The counter man was confused, but gave her a Dr. Pepper float with no ice cream. The redhead went up and asked for a single dip of vanilla ice cream with Pepsi poured over it. The man was really confused now. But he gave the redhead her order. The blonde was listning to the other two women and thought that she should have a ''special order'' too. So she went up and asked for an extra-large root beer with no roots.  
\n
195	The Midget Scopes the Blonde  
\n
\nA midget is riding a bus when a blonde steps on him. 
\n Hey you, brunette, watch where you're going,  yells the midget. 
\nThe blonde looks down and says,  I am not a brunette, I am a blonde. 
\nThe midget replies,  Not from where I'm standing.   
\n
196	Three Girls Go Camping  
\n
\nOne day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business. 
\nWhile she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream. 
\n
\nThen they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in." 
\n 
\n
197	Three Girls Meet the Fairy  
\n
\nA blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells "Eagle!" She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out "Salmon!" She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn. The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics. 
\n"Crap!"  
\n
198	Two Blondes and a Camel  
\n
\nEvery day two blonde women would come out of work together and look for their car. But all the cars in the lot looked the same, so they sat around until all the cars were gone and then they would get in the last car and go home. One blonde said to the other, ''We need to find a faster way to get home.'' So the next day they went to work on a camel. After work they came out and the parking lot was full of camels. So the first blonde went around lifting up the tails of all the camels. The second blonde said, ''What are you doing?'' The first blonde said, ''When we came in today I heard someone yell "'Look at those two assholes on that camel!!'"  
\n
199	Two Blondes and Two Mice  
\n
\nThere were two blondes as roommates and they both bought mice. When they got home the first blonde said how are we going to tell them apart? The second blonde said why don't we take one and chop off one of its legs? But during the night the mouse with four legs said to the mouse with three legs, ''That's not fair -- I want three legs too.'' So the mouse with three legs told him to eat one of his legs. And so he did. 
\nThe next morning the blondes were upset about this so they did the same thing as the day before. But again the mouse with three legs ate one of his legs. This went on until both mice had no tails and legs. Then one of the blondes shouted, ''All right, that's it! You take the black one and I'll take the white one!'' 
\n 
\n
200	We Don't Swerve Blondes Here  
\n
\nA cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the road. The blonde at the wheel looked very confused and scared. 
\n"What's going on here, ma'am?" 
\n
\n"Well, I was driving along when all of a sudden there was a tree right in my path. I swerved to miss it, but there was another tree. And after that, another, and another." The cop looked inside her car and sighed. 
\n
\n"Ma'am. That's your air freshener."
\n 
\n
201	Who Killed Abraham Lincoln?  
\n
\nA blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... 
\nOfficer: What's 2+2? 
\n
\nBlonde: Ummmmm... 4! 
\n
\nOfficer: What's the square root of 100? 
\n
\nBlonde: Ummmm... 10! 
\n
\nOfficer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? 
\n
\nBlonde: Ummmm... I dunno. 
\n
\nOfficer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. 
\n
\nThe blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!" 
\n 
\n
202	Who Let The Blondes Out?  
\n
\nHow many blondes does it take to milk a cow? 
\nFive - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.
\n 
\n
203	Annoying Boy on Bus  
\n
\nA little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' 
\nThe driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' 
\n
\nThe kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!'' 
\n
\nThe kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!'' 
\n 
\n
204	Misappropriated Churchill Quote  
\n
\nA man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. 
\n"You, sir, are drunk!" 
\n
\n"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!" 
\n 
\n
205	POV  
\n
\nAn Insult: 
\nI'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass! 
\n 
\n
206	Yo Mama's so hairy... armits  
\n
\nYo Mama's armpits are so hairy, she looks like she got Don King in a headlock!  
\n
207	Yo mama's So Poor  
\n
\nYo' mama so poor, she has to chase down the garbage truck with a shopping list!  
\n
208	Yo mama's So Stupid  
\n
\nYo' mama so stupid, she returned a donut because it had a hole in it!  
\n
209	Yo Mama's So Ugly  
\n
\nYo' mama so ugly, even the garbageman won't pick her up!  
\n
210	Yo mama's...Bus  
\n
\nYo Mama is like a bus, she's big she doesn't smell very good and it's only a dollar to ride.  
\n
211	Your Face Is SO Ugly  
\n
\nYour face is so ugly, you look out the window and get arrested for mooning! 
\n
212	Your Family Is So Poor  
\n
\nYour family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted,  Hey, who turned off the heater!  
\n
213	Your Family Is So Poor  
\n
\nYour family is so poor, I flicked a booger on the door and your Mama came out and said: "Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got meat!" 
\n
214	Yo Mama's So Dumb...  
\n
\nYo mama's so dumb, she stuck the phone up her ass and thought she was makin' a booty call.  
\n
215	Yo mama's so dumb... airport  
\n
\nYo mama is so dumb that she was on her way to the airport and saw a sign that said  airport left.  So she turned around and went home. 
\n
216	Yo mama's so fat... 90210  
\n
\nYo mama is so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale. 
\n
217	Yo mama's So Fat... Baptised  
\n
\nYo Mama is so fat that she got baptized at Sea World!  
\n
218	Yo mama's so fat... chins  
\n
\nYo mama's so fat, she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook  
\n
219	Yo mama's so fat... door  
\n
\nYo' mama is so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.  
\n
220	Yo Mama's so Fat... Sex  
\n
\nYo' mama is so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!  
\n
221	Yo mama's so fat... walk around  
\n
\nYo mama is so fat, when you walk around her you get lost.  
\n
222	Yo Mama's So Fat... X-Files Tee  
\n
\nYo mama's so fat, she wore an X-Files T-shirt and a helicopter landed on her.  
\n
223	Yo mama's So Hairy  
\n
\nYo mama is so hairy that she has to part the hair on her butt in order to go to the bathroom.  
\n
224	Yo mama's So Hairy  
\n
\nYo mama is so hairy she makes bigfoot look shaved.  
\n
225	Yo Mama's So Hunchbacked  
\n
\nYo mama's so hunchbacked, she has to wear safety goggles when she pisses.  
\n
226	Yo Mama's So Poor  
\n
\nYo mama's so poor she can't afford to pay attention.  
\n
227	Yo Mama's So Poor  
\n
\nYo mama's so poor that when your house caught on fire, she got up on the roof and sang, ''Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we have heat!''  
\n
228	Yo mama's So Stupid  
\n
\nYo mama is so stupid that she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.  
\n
229	Yo Mama's So Stupid  
\n
\nYo mama is so stupid, she traded in her car for gas money.  
\n
230	Yo Mama's so stupid... glass  
\n
\nYo mama is so stupid, she has a glass door with a peep hole. 
\n
231	Yo mama's teeth are so big...  
\n
\nYo Mama's teeth are so big, if she sneezes she'll stab herself in the chest.  
\n
232	Yo Mama's Underwear  
\n
\nYo mama's underwear is so crusty she put Betty Crocker out of business.  
\n
233	Yo mama's...Fat  
\n
\nYo Mama is so fat, that when I put her on the family tree the branch broke.  
\n
234	Yo mama's...Fat  
\n
\nYo Mama is so fat, when she told me her weight I thought it was her phone number.  
\n
235	Yo mama's...Fat  
\n
\nYo' Mama is so fat, she took up pages 41, 42 and 43 in her school yearbook. 
\n
236	Yo mama's...Old  
\n
\nYo' Mama is so old, when I told her to act her age she died.  
\n
237	Yo mama's...Stupid  
\n
\nYo' Mama is so stupid, she bought a video tape on how to fix your VCR! 
\n
238	Yo mama's...Ugly  
\n
\nYo Mama is so ugly, she looked in the mirror and her reflection ducked. 
\n
239	An APB On God  
\n
\nA couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. 
\nThe two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. 
\n
\nThe parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" 
\n
\nThe boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" 
\n
\nAgain the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" 
\n
\nAt that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" 
\n
\nThe younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!" 
\n 
\n
240	Bathtub Anxieties  
\n
\nThere was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy. 
\n"Can I touch it?" 
\n
\n"No way -- you already broke yours off!" 
\n 
\n
241	Birdy  
\n
\nThere was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to his dingly dangly and asked, "what is that?" He replied, "It's my bird!" 
\nShe ran away to play in the sand cheerfully. The man fell asleep. zZzZzZz. Later he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin. He did not know what had gone wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the hospital he asked her. 
\n
\nShe replied, "I played with the bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest." 
\n 
\n
242	Bombed Outta My Head  
\n
\nThree men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing his head off. 
\n"What's so funny?" they asked him. 
\n
\n"It was great," he said. "I farted and my neighbor's house blew up." 
\n 
\n
243	Cartwheeling for Cash  
\n
\nOne day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" 
\nThe mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. 
\n
\nThe little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree. 
\n
\nThe mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties." 
\n
\n''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl. 
\n
\nThe next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?" 
\n
\nThe little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed." 
\n
\nThe mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...'' 
\n
\nBefore the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.'' 
\n 
\n
244	Christmas Cookie Dough  
\n
\nEvery year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs. 
\n''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.'' 
\n
\n"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.'' 
\n
\n"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came. 
\n
\n''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!'' 
\n 
\n
245	Damned if I know  
\n
\nA kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. 
\n"It's a period,'' said the little boy. 
\n
\n"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?'' 
\n
\n''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself." 
\n 
\n
246	Having to Take a Whisper  
\n
\nOnce there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.'' 
\nThe mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite. 
\n
\nThe next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom. 
\n
\nHe told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.'' 
\n
\nThe father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.'' 
\n 
\n
247	Hide the Duke  
\n
\nJoe met his girlfriend's parents for the first time at their house over dinner. After the meal, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the Joe's chair. Unfortunately, after the hearty meal, Joe really had to fart. He stealthily let out a slow, barely audible fart. 
\n"Duke!" the dad yelled. 
\n
\n"This is great!" thought Joe. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one. 
\n
\n"Duke!" the father barked. Joe thought he was home free, so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart. 
\n
\n"Duke!" the father screamed. "Get out of there before Joe craps on you!" 
\n 
\n
248	Little Joey  
\n
\nLittle Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing his crotch, and the teacher asked,  Joey what are you doing?  Joey replied,  Teacher, my mommy had me circumsized yesterday and it still hurts.  So the teacher sent Joey to the principal's office to call his mother and ask what he should do. 
\nWhen Joey came back from the office, the teacher noticed that he had his penis hanging out. Shocked, the teacher asked,  Joey, what are you doing!?  Joey answered,  Mommy told me to stick it out till lunch and then she would be here to pick me up. 
\n 
\n
249	Little Johnny Answers the Question  
\n
\nTeacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" 
\nLittle Johnny: "None." 
\n
\nTeacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" 
\n
\nLittle Johnny: "None." 
\n
\nTeacher: "Can you explain that answer?" 
\n
\nLittle Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left." 
\n
\nTeacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think" 
\n
\nLittle Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?" 
\n
\nTeacher: "Sure." 
\n
\nLittle Johnny: "There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?" 
\n
\nTeacher: "The one sucking the cone." 
\n
\nLittle Johnny; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
\n 
\n
250	Little Johnny Stands Up  
\n
\nA new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.  She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" 
\nAfter a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" 
\n
\n"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" 
\n 
\n
251	Mounted Cop  
\n
\nThere was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. 
\n''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?'' 
\n
\n''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!'' 
\n
\nThe cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.'' 
\n
\nTo go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop. 
\n
\nThe little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.'' 
\n 
\n
252	No Punishment  
\n
\nBoy: Will you punish me for something i didn't do? 
\n
\nTeacher: Of corse not! 
\n
\nBoy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!  
\n
253	Punishment in Heaven  
\n
\nThree friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there. 
\n''Why?'' he asks. 
\n
\nSt. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why. 
\n
\nSt. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?'' 
\n
\n''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.'' 
\n 
\n
254	Rubbing Her The Right Way  
\n
\nA few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" 
\nOver the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. 
\n
\nOne day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. 
\n
\nLittle Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" 
\n 
\n
255	Zip, Dick and Pee  
\n
\nThere were once three boys in a classroom called Zip, Dick and Pee. Their teacher went out of the classroom so they decided to get up to some mischeif. Zip got on top of the cupboard, Dick got inside and Pee jumped around outside. The teacher came back in and said, ''Zip down, Dick out and Pee in the corner!''  
\n
256	Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake  
\n
\nOne morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny.  "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." 
\n
\n    "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake.  "To be sure, it was my fault.   I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming.  By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
\n
\n    "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny.  "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself.  Maybe you could examine me and find out."
\n
\n    So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
\n
\n    Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
\n
\n    And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
\n
\n    So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."
\n 
\n
257	Deathbed Lawyer  
\n
\nWhy was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? 
\nHe was looking for loopholes!  
\n
258	Engineering In Hell  
\n
\nAn engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." 
\nSo, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. 
\n
\nOne day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" 
\n
\nSatan replies, "Hey, things are going great.   We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." 
\n
\nGod replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." 
\n
\nSatan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." 
\n
\nGod says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." 
\n
\nSatan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" 
\n 
\n
259	Farmer Joe and his Mule  
\n
\nFarmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. 
\n"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" 
\n''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--" 
\n''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" 
\n''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--'' 
\n''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so. 
\n''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"  
\n
260	Lawyer Croaks  
\n
\nA guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." 
\nThe next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!" 
\n 
\n
261	Lawyer vs. Hooker  
\n
\nQ: What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? 
\nA: A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you're dead.  
\n
262	Lawyers' Lucky Break  
\n
\nQ: What is the definition "lucky break?"
\nA: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. 
\nQ: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
\nA: There was an empty seat. 
\n 
\n
263	Legalese  
\n
\nDefinition of a Lawyer: A person who puts two men into a fight and runs off with their clothes.  
\n
264	Lion, Tiger, Lawyer, Elevator  
\n
\nQ: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
\nA: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead. 
\n
265	People Really Said These Things In Court  
\n
\nQ: What is your date of birth? 
\nA: July fifteenth. 
\nQ: What year? 
\nA: Every year. 
\n
\nQ: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all? 
\nA: Yes. 
\nQ: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
\nA: I forget. 
\nQ: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? 
\n
\nQ: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to? 
\nA: Oral. 
\n
\nQ: How old is your son - the one living with you. 
\nA: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
\nQ: How long has he lived with you? 
\nA: Forty-five years. 
\n
\nQ: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? 
\nA: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" 
\nQ: And why did that upset you? 
\nA: My name is Susan. 
\n
\nQ: Sir, what is your IQ? 
\nA: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. 
\n
\nQ: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? 
\nA: We both do. 
\nQ: Voodoo? 
\nA: We do. 
\nQ: You do? 
\nA: Yes, voodoo. 
\n
\nQ: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
\n
\nQ: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
\n
\nQ: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
\nQ: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? 
\n
\nQ: Did he kill you? 
\n
\nQ: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? 
\n
\nQ: You were there until the time you left, is that true? 
\n
\nQ: How many times have you committed suicide? 
\n
\nQ: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
\nA: Yes. 
\nQ: And what were you doing at that time? 
\n
\nQ: She had three children, right? 
\nA: Yes. 
\nQ: How many were boys? 
\nA: None. 
\nQ: Were there any girls? 
\n
\nQ: You say the stairs went down to the basement? 
\nA: Yes. 
\nQ: And these stairs, did they go up also? 
\n
\nQ: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? 
\nA: I went to Europe, sir. 
\nQ: And you took your new wife? 
\n
\nQ: How was your first marriage terminated? 
\nA: By death. 
\nQ: And by whose death was it terminated? 
\n
\nQ: Can you describe the individual? 
\nA: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
\nQ: Was this a male, or a female? 
\n
\nQ: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
\nA: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
\n
\nQ: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
\nA: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 
\nQ: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
\nA: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
\nQ: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? 
\nA: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
\n 
\n
266	The Hit and Run Case  
\n
\nA very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. 
\nBefore the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. 
\n
\nWhen the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 
\n
\n"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." 
\n
\n"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. 
\n
\nThe cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." 
\n
\n"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!" 
\n 
\n
267	The Teacher, the Thief & the Lawyer  
\n
\nA teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission. 
\nThe teacher is first, and St. Peter asks,  Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?   Phew, that one's easy,  says the teacher,  The Titanic.    Alright,  said St.Peter,  you may pass. 
\nThen the thief got his question:  How many died on the Titanic?  The thief replied,  That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.  And so he passed through. Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question:  Name them.  
\n
268	Who's the Most Fun to Operate On?  
\n
\n
\n    Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
\n
\n    The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians.  When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
\n
\n    The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants.  When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
\n
\n    The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians.  When you open them up everything is color coded.
\n
\n    The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".
\n
\n    The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief.  One of them asked why.
\n
\n    The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".
\n 
\n
269	A Lesson in Church  
\n
\nA man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right." 
\nThen he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct." 
\n
\nFinally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right." 
\n 
\n
270	Abstinence  
\n
\nThree couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. 
\nThe first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed. 
\n
\nTwo weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. 
\n
\n"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. 
\n
\n"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." 
\n
\nThe minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. 
\n
\n"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either." 
\n 
\n
271	Art Gallery Nudes  
\n
\nA couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. 
\nThe wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" 
\n
\nThe husband replies, "Autumn." 
\n 
\n
272	Banana Love Cake  
\n
\nIngredients: 2 whole nuts, 1 large banana, 2 strong arms, 2 well shaped legs, 1 fur lined mixing bowl, 4 loving eyes. 
\nMixing instructions: Look into eyes, part legs. Gently squeeze milk jugs. Continue until bowl is well greased. Add banana, top with nuts. Move in and out until cake is well creamed. Sigh with relief, let cool. Do not lick the bowl. If cake starts to rise, get out of town FAST!  
\n
273	Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story  
\n
\nThis is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes. 
\nInside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.'' 
\n
\nHe had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy. 
\n 
\n
274	Computer Diagnosis  
\n
\nOne day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. 
\n''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." 
\n
\nLater that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: 
\n
\n"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better." 
\n 
\n
275	Devil In The Church  
\n
\nOne Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. 
\nBefore the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. 
\n
\nSoon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" 
\n
\nThe man replied, "Yep, sure do." 
\n
\nSatan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" 
\n
\n"Nope, sure ain't," said the man. 
\n
\nSatan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" 
\n
\nThe man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
\n 
\n
276	Fifty-Dollar Bet  
\n
\nThis guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer. 
\nThe wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed. 
\n But what about the pickle slicer,  asked the wife, perplexed.  Oh, she liked it too,  answered the husband.  
\n
277	Give Him What He Wants  
\n
\nAn escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. 
\nAs soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"
\n 
\n
278	Golf Balls and G-Spots  
\n
\nWhat's the difference between a girl's G-spot and a golf ball? 
\nA man will spend hours looking for the golf ball! 
\n 
\n
279	Golfer Goes to the Emergency Room  
\n
\nA man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. 
\n"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake." 
\n
\n"What did you do?" asks the doctor. 
\n
\n"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
\n 
\n
280	Grandma Likes it H-A-R-D  
\n
\nThis old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor. 
\nThe old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' 
\n
\nThe old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change." 
\n 
\n
281	Ha, The Joke's On You  
\n
\nThere was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late. 
\n"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home." 
\n
\nOne of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late. 
\n
\n"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks. 
\n
\n"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
\n 
\n
282	Hide the Duke  
\n
\nJoe met his girlfriend's parents for the first time at their house over dinner. After the meal, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the Joe's chair. Unfortunately, after the hearty meal, Joe really had to fart. He stealthily let out a slow, barely audible fart. 
\n"Duke!" the dad yelled. 
\n
\n"This is great!" thought Joe. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one. 
\n
\n"Duke!" the father barked. Joe thought he was home free, so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart. 
\n
\n"Duke!" the father screamed. "Get out of there before Joe craps on you!"
\n 
\n
283	Hired Help  
\n
\nA guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. 
\nThe guy says, ''Who is this?'' 
\n
\n''This is the maid,'' answers the woman. 
\n
\n''We don't have a maid,'' says the man. 
\n
\nThe woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.'' 
\n
\nThe man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'' 
\n
\nThe woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.'' 
\n
\nThe guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?'' 
\n
\nThe maid says, ''What will I have to do?'' 
\n
\nThe man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.'' 
\n
\nThe maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. 
\n
\nThe maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?'' 
\n
\nThe man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.'' 
\n
\nPuzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.'' 
\n
\nA long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?'' 
\n 
\n
284	Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment  
\n
\nA man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. 
\nAfter the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. 
\n
\nIn the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." 
\n
\nThe man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." 
\n
\nThe woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. 
\n
\n"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!" 
\n 
\n
285	Men and Carpet  
\n
\nWhy are men just like carpet?
\n
\nOnce you lay 'em right you can walk all over 'em.  
\n
286	Men vs. Women vs. the Short Story  
\n
\nRemember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University: 
\nIn-class Assignment for Wednesday: 
\n
\nToday we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other immediate right.  One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story.  The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.  The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.  Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my  English students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name deleted.] " 
\n
\nAt first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile.  But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl.  His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.  So chamomile was out of the question. 
\n
\nMeanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.  "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator.  "Polar orbit established.  No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.  The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. 
\n
\nHe bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him.  Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.  The news simultaneously excited  her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth  -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.  "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. 
\n
\nLittle did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.  Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles.  The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless  target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.  With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans.  The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this!  I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!" 
\n
\nThis is absurd.  I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent. 
\n
\nYeah?  Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. 
\n
\nAsshole. 
\n
\nBitch. 
\n 
\n
287	Men vs. Women: Round 1  
\n
\n
\nNICKNAMES
\n
\nIf Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
\n
\nIf Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
\n
\nEATING OUT
\n
\nWhen the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
\n
\nWhen the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
\n
\nMONEY
\n
\nA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
\n
\nA woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
\n
\nBATHROOMS
\n
\nA man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
\n
\nThe average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A  man would not be able to identify most of these items.
\n
\nARGUMENTS
\n
\nA woman has the last word in any argument.
\n
\nAnything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
\n
\nCATS
\n
\nWomen love cats. 
\n
\nMen say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
\n
\nFUTURE
\n
\nA woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
\n
\nA man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
\n
\nSUCCESS
\n
\nA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
\n
\nA successful woman is one who can find such a man.
\n
\nMARRIAGE
\n
\nA woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
\n
\nA man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
\n
\nDRESSING UP
\n
\nA woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. 
\n
\nA man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
\n
\nNATURAL
\n
\nMen wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
\n
\nWomen somehow deteriorate during the night.
\n
\nOFFSPRING
\n
\nAh, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
\n
\nA man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
\n
\nTHOUGHT FOR THE DAY
\n
\nAny married man should forget his mistakes.
\n
\nThere's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
\n 
\n
288	Mommy & "Uncle" Frank  
\n
\nIt's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. 
\n"Hello?" says a little girl's voice. 
\n
\n"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" 
\n
\n"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." 
\n
\nAfter a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" 
\n
\n"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" 
\n
\n"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." 
\n
\n"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." 
\n
\n"And what happened?" 
\n
\n"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." 
\n
\n"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?" 
\n
\n"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." 
\n
\nThere is a long pause. 
\n
\n"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?" 
\n 
\n
289	Moon Talking  
\n
\nWhen Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control. 
\nJust before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." 
\n
\nMany people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. 
\n
\nHowever, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. 
\n
\nOn July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. 
\n
\nArmstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
\n 
\n
290	Nudist Camp  
\n
\nA guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn't believe him. So he sent her a picture of his top half. A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidently sent the bottom half. Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't think much of it. 
\nA week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his haircut, because it made his nose look to big. 
\n 
\n
291	Ode to the Perfect Man  
\n
\n
\nThe perfect man is gentle,
\nAnd never cruel or mean.
\nHe has a perfect smile,
\nAnd is always neat and clean.
\n
\nThe Perfect Man likes children,
\nAnd will raise them by your side.
\nHe will be a caring father,
\nAnd good husband to his bride.
\n
\nThe Perfect Man loves cooking,
\nHe will clean and vacuum too.
\nHe'll do what's in his power
\nTo show his deep-felt love for you.
\n
\nThe Perfect Man is sweet,
\nWriting poems with your name;
\nHe's a best friend to your mother,
\nAnd will kiss away your pain.
\n
\nHe never has made you cry
\nOr caused you hurt in any way.
\nTo hell with this endless poem and rhyme,
\nThe Perfect Man is gay.
\n 
\n
292	Ode to Valentine's Day  
\n
\nHearts and roses and kisses galore...
\nWhat the hell is that schtuff for
\nPeople get mushy and start acting queer
\nIt's definitely the most annoying day of the year. 
\n
\nThis day needs to get the hell over with and pass. 
\nBefore I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass. 
\nI'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
\nAnd wear all black for the rest of the week. 
\n
\n
\nGuys act all sweet but soon it will fade
\nFor all they are doing is trying to get laid. 
\nThe arrow cupid shot at me must not have hit, 
\nBecause I think love is a bunch of $#!+. 
\n
\n
\nSo there's my story... what can I say 
\nLove bites ass... SCREW VALENTINE'S DAY! 
\n 
\n
293	Pharmacist Phun  
\n
\nA girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. 
\n
\nThe boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. 
\n
\nThat night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" 
\n
\nThe boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." 
\n
\nThe boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"  
\n
294	Punishment in Heaven  
\n
\nThree friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there. 
\n''Why?'' he asks. 
\n
\nSt. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why. 
\n
\nSt. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?'' 
\n
\n''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.'' 
\n 
\n
295	Six Most Important Men in a Woman's Life  
\n
\nTHE DOCTOR because he says ''take your clothes off.'' 
\nTHE DENTIST because he says ''open wide.'' 
\nTHE HAIR DRESSER because he says ''do you want them teased or blown?" 
\nTHE MILKMAN because he says ''do you want it in the back or in the front?'' 
\nTHE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says''once it's in you'll love it.'' 
\nTHE BANKER because he says ''if you take it out too soon you'll lose interest."  
\n
296	Squeaky Clean  
\n
\nOne night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin. 
\nShe says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.'' 
\nThe man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep. 
\nIn a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''  
\n
297	Talking Italian  
\n
\nA bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: 
\n''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' 
\n
\n''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.'' 
\n
\n''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.'' 
\n 
\n
298	Ten Cents  
\n
\nA married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income. The wife suggested that she could whore herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go whoring. She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made. 
\n"$398.10," she said. 
\n
\n"Who paid ten cents?" he asked. 
\n
\n"Everybody."
\n 
\n
299	The Devout Catholic Woman  
\n
\nMaria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. 
\nAt the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together." 
\n
\nA guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" 
\n
\n"I mean her legs!"
\n 
\n
300	The FortyNunners  
\n
\nThree nuns went to a football game and three men got stuck sitting behind them. The men couldn't see very well because of the nun's little nun hats. So they came up with a plan to make them leave. 
\n''I think I'll move to California, there's only 50 Catholics there," said the first man. 
\n
\n"I think I'll move to Washington, there's only 25 Catholics there.'' 
\n
\n"I think I'll move to Idaho, there's only 10 Catholics there.'' Then one of the nuns turned around. 
\n
\n"Go to Hell, there are NO Catholics there." 
\n 
\n
301	The Lady and the Facelift  
\n
\nA 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? 
\nThe man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.'' 
\n
\nThe next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?'' 
\n
\nThe man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' 
\n
\nThe lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' 
\n
\nAfter lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.'' 
\n
\nSo, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' 
\n
\nThe lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' 
\n
\nThe old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.'' 
\n 
\n
302	The Living Statues  
\n
\nTwo statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years. 
\nEarly one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." 
\n
\nAnd with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping. 
\n
\nAfter fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. 
\n
\nPuzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?" 
\n
\nThe male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" 
\n
\nSmiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!" 
\n 
\n
303	The Model Lodger  
\n
\nDoris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. 
\nAfter a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. 
\n
\nDoris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. 
\n
\n"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." 
\n
\n"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." 
\n
\n"What about your husband? asked the model. 
\n
\n"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. 
\n
\n"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight." 
\n
\nThat evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. 
\n
\nThe model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes. 
\n
\nLater when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. 
\n
\n"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." 
\n
\nThe next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. 
\n
\nDoris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass. 
\n
\nLater Fred returned and they retired to bed. 
\n
\n"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" 
\n
\n"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." 
\n
\n"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't." 
\n 
\n
304	The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie  
\n
\nAn Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. 
\nThe lad asked, "What is this, father?" 
\n
\nThe father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is." 
\n
\nWhile the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. 
\n
\nThe walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. 
\n
\nThe father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
\n 
\n
305	The Unconcerned Widow  
\n
\nAn old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. He constantly told his wife in front of all the people in the town: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" 
\nThe neighbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was quite feared and enjoyed it very much. 
\n
\nThen the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and there was a closed-casket funeral. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave. 
\n
\nThe wife put down her drink, smiled and said, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!" 
\n 
\n
306	Tight Skirt, Bus Stop  
\n
\nOne Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. 
\nThinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. 
\n
\nSo, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. 
\n
\nSo, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!" 
\n
\nShocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends." 
\n 
\n
307	Viagra Coffee  
\n
\nThis elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. 
\nThe old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive." 
\n
\nThe doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" 
\n
\nThe lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed. 
\n
\n"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing." 
\n
\nThe old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. 
\n
\nWeeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. 
\n
\n"How did it go?" the doctor asked. 
\n
\n"Terrible, doctor, terrible." 
\n
\n"Did it not work?" 
\n
\n"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." 
\n
\n"Then what is the problem, ma'am?" 
\n
\n"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
\n 
\n
308	What Do I Look Like?  
\n
\nA newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" 
\nThe husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?  
\n
\nA few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" 
\n
\n"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" 
\n
\nHe just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. 
\n
\nOne weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. 
\n
\nHis wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?" 
\n
\nShe replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."  "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said. 
\n
\n"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
\n 
\n
309	Wonder Bra  
\n
\nQ. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? 
\nA. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her tits went! 
\n 
\n
310	Young Couple  
\n
\nA young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. 
\nIn court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
\n
\n''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''
\n
\n''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.
\n
\n''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.'' 
\n 
\n
311	Catching Osama  
\n
\nDo you know how we can get Osama bin Laden? 
\nLace a bunch of Watchtower magazines with anthrax and send the Jehovah Witnesses in after him. Those people can find anybody! 
\n 
\n
312	Clinton's sons  
\n
\nChelsea had the most exciting news. She burst into the room shouting, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news! Nick asked me to marry him. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. We are supposed to get married next month. 
\nBill took Chelsea in the back and said, "Chelsea, you're mother, although an ideal administrator and public speaker, has never had much to offer in the sack, so, as you might have heard, I have been known to fool around with other ladies on occassion. Your boyfriend Nick happens to be the product of one of my love making sessions. He is my son and thusly, he is your half-brother." 
\n
\nChelsea ran out of the office screaming, "Not another brother!" 
\n
\nShe rushed to her mother's side, telling her about her all about dad's shameful behavior and how every man she dated turns out to be one of her father's illegitimate sons. 
\n
\nHillary began to laugh and said, "Don't pay any attention to him. He isn't really your father anyway." 
\n 
\n
313	Country Politics  
\n
\nA busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. 
\nThe old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. 
\n
\nThe old farmer told him he had buried them. 
\n
\nThe sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?" 
\n
\nThe old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
\n 
\n
314	Dubya Quotes  
\n
\n"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
\n...George W. Bush 
\n"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." 
\n...Governor George W. Bush 
\n
\n"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." 
\n...Governor George W. Bush 
\n
\n"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
\n...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94 
\n
\n"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
\n...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95 
\n
\n"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
\n...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98 
\n
\n"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." 
\n...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93 
\n
\n"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." 
\n...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96 
\n
\n"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." 
\n...Governor George W. Bush 
\n
\n"The future will be better tomorrow." 
\n...Governor George W. Bush 
\n
\n"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." 
\n...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97 
\n
\n"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
\n...Governor George W. Bush 
\n
\n"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
\n...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93 
\n
\n"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
\n...Governor George W. Bush 
\n
\n"Public speaking is very easy." 
\n...Governor George W. Bush to reporters 
\n
\n"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
\n...Governor George W. Bush 
\n
\n"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
\n...Governor George W. Bush 
\n
\n"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
\n...George W. Bush 
\n
\n"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
\n...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96 
\n
\n"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
\n...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97 
\n
\n"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
\n...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93 
\n
\n"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." 
\n...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95 
\n
\n"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
\n...Governor George W. Bush 
\n
\n"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." 
\n...Governor George W. Bush 
\n
\n"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
\n...Governor George W. Bush 
\n
\n"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
\n...Governor George W. Bush
\n 
\n
315	Hillary Clinton's OB-GYN  
\n
\nHillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN  told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office. 
\n
\n"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
\n
\n"Who is this?'' 
\n
316	Moon Talking  
\n
\nWhen Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control. 
\nJust before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." 
\n
\nMany people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. 
\n
\nHowever, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. 
\n
\nOn July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. 
\n
\nArmstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" 
\n 
\n
317	Politically Speaking  
\n
\n"My uncle ran for Senate last year." 
\n"Really? What does he do now?" 
\n"Nothing. He got elected."  
\n
318	Pre-Nuptial Agreements  
\n
\nA secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York. 
\nThe ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. 
\n
\n"I'll only marry you under three conditions." 
\n
\n"Anything, anything," said the ambassador. 
\n
\n"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement." 
\n
\nWithout hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!" 
\n
\nThe secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation. 
\n
\n"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France." 
\n
\nThe ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!" 
\n
\nThe secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. 
\n
\n"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis." 
\n
\nA sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
\n 
\n
319	Things Found Only In America  
\n
\n1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
\n
\n2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
\n
\n3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
\n
\n4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
\n
\n5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
\n
\n6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
\n
\n7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
\n
\n8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
\n
\n9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
\n
\n10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.  
\n
320	Voodoo Enronomics  
\n
\nFeudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. 
\nFascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. 
\n
\nCommunism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. 
\n
\nCapitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. 
\n
\nEnron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. 
\n 
\n
321	What Is Politics?  
\n
\nSon: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
\nFather: Sure, son. What's the question? 
\nSon: What is politics? 
\nFather: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me  Tony Blair.  Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her  Gordon Brown.  We take care of your needs, so we'll call you  the People.  We'll call the maid  the Working Class,  and your baby brother we can call  the Future.  Do you understand, son? 
\nSon: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it. 
\n
\nThat night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. 
\nSon: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is. 
\nFather: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
\nSon: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.  
\n
322	Baked beans and their delightful tune  
\n
\nA man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions. 
\nOn his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home. 
\n
\nHis wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" 
\n
\nShe blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it. 
\n
\nWhile she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. 
\n
\nWhen he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in. 
\n
\nApologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!" 
\n
\nTo his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. 
\n 
\n
323	Christmas Cookie Dough  
\n
\nEvery year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs. 
\n''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.'' 
\n
\n"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.'' 
\n
\n"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came. 
\n
\n''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!'' 
\n 
\n
324	Dump List  
\n
\nThe Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it. 
\nThe Beer Dump -- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days. 
\nThe Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield. 
\nThe Cable Dump -- Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, ''DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?'' you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself. 
\nThe Latrine Dump -- In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole. 
\nThe Mona Lisa Dump -- This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far. 
\nThe Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say ''Where are the curtains?'' Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every ''empty roll dumper'' must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll. 
\nThe Splash-Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping. 
\nThe Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do. 
\nThe Alfresco Dump -- Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy. 
\nThe Childbirth Dump -- This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming ''Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf.'' You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: Scream, call an Obstetrician, or just hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it. 
\nThe Tijuana Trot Dump -- The phrase ''Shit Happens'' really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy. 
\nThe Machine Gun Dump -- You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking something about  damn Commies.  
\nThe Sound Effect Dump -- You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: flush the toilet, sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem, or drop a handful of quarters on the floor 
\nThe Security Dump -- You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly. 
\nThe Cling-On Dump -- For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors. 
\nThe Houdini Dump -- You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in. 
\nThe Flu Dump -- You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by? 
\nThe Porta-Pottie Dump -- Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be,  It's like taking a shit in an upright coffin.  It's claustrophobic and it smells bad... best advice... go in a paper cup. 
\nThe Proctologist Dump -- In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it -- you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it?? 
\nThe Whole Roll Dump -- No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste. 
\nThe Graffiti Dump -- You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice. 
\nThe Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores. 
\nThe Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say  Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion.  You always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth... you forget the pain quickly. 
\n 
\n
325	Flower Flub-o-rama  
\n
\nI sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend. 
\nI found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know it's hot where you're going, but you deserve it."
\n 
\n
326	Having to Take a Whisper  
\n
\nOnce there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.'' 
\nThe mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite. 
\n
\nThe next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom. 
\n
\nHe told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.'' 
\n
\nThe father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.'' 
\n 
\n
327	Hide the Duke  
\n
\nJoe met his girlfriend's parents for the first time at their house over dinner. After the meal, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the Joe's chair. Unfortunately, after the hearty meal, Joe really had to fart. He stealthily let out a slow, barely audible fart. 
\n"Duke!" the dad yelled. 
\n
\n"This is great!" thought Joe. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one. 
\n
\n"Duke!" the father barked. Joe thought he was home free, so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart. 
\n
\n"Duke!" the father screamed. "Get out of there before Joe craps on you!" 
\n 
\n
328	In The Navy  
\n
\nA Marine and Navyman are in the bathroom together, and the Marine goes to leave without washing his hands. 
\n"Hey," says the Navyman, "in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands." 
\n
\n"In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands." 
\n 
\n
329	Smokin' Dope  
\n
\nTwo guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail." 
\nSo the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. 
\n
\nSo the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did. 
\n
\n''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy. 
\n
\n''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge. 
\n
\n''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.'' 
\n
\n''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.'' 
\n
\n''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge. 
\n
\n''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...'' 
\n 
\n
330	The Poopie List  
\n
\nGhost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet. 
\nClean Poopie- The kind where you pooped it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. 
\n
\nWet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain. 
\n
\nSecond Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more. 
\n
\nPop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. 
\n
\nLincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. 
\n
\nGassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling. 
\n
\nCorn Poopie- Self explanatory. 
\n
\nGee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times. 
\n
\nSpinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways. 
\n
\nWet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water. 
\n
\nLiquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl. 
\n
\nDog Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns. 
\n
\nUpper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell. 
\n
\nThe Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie! 
\n
\nThe Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose. 
\n 
\n
331	Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends  
\n
\n1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?'' 
\n2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.'' 
\n3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 
\n4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'' 
\n5. ''Damn, this water is cold.'' 
\n6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly. 
\n7. ''Now how did that get there?'' 
\n8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.'' 
\n9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!'' 
\n10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters'' 
\n11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?" 
\n12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!" 
\n13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot'' 
\n14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'' 
\n15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 
\n16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall. 
\n17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!'' 
\n18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''  
\n
332	Cheaper Than a Doctor  
\n
\nThere was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his friend he was going to the doctor. His friend told him to go to the pharmacy where there is a machine that for ten dollars and a urine sample will tell you what is wrong with you. So he went to the pharmacy and put the ten dollars and his urine sample in. After a minute a paper came out and said that he has tennis elbow and he should soak his elbow in warm water for the next two weeks. That night, he decided the machine must be a fraud. 
\nSo, the next day he made a mixture of tap water, his daughter's urine, his dog's urine -- and he added some of his own semen to it. He brought it to the pharmacy and put ten dollars and the stuff in. After a minute the paper came out and said, ''The tap water has lead, the dog has worms, your daughter is on drugs and she's not your daughter.''
\n 
\n
333	Computer Diagnosis  
\n
\nOne day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. 
\n''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." 
\n
\nLater that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: 
\n
\n"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better." 
\n 
\n
334	Radical Procedure  
\n
\nJoe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. 
\n"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." 
\n
\nJoe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. 
\n
\nWhen he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. 
\n
\nHe walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." 
\n
\nThe salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" 
\n
\n"It's my job." 
\n
\nJoe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." 
\n
\nThe salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" 
\n
\n"It's my job." 
\n
\nJoe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..." 
\n
\nThe salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" 
\n
\n"It's my job." 
\n
\nJoe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." 
\n
\nThe salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" 
\n
\n"It's my job." 
\n
\nThe hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." 
\n
\nJoe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." 
\n
\nThe salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." 
\n 
\n
335	Scooby Doo  
\n
\nThere was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. 
\nOne morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!'' 
\n 
\n
336	Viagra Coffee  
\n
\nThis elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. 
\nThe old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive." 
\n
\nThe doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" 
\n
\nThe lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed. 
\n
\n"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing." 
\n
\nThe old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. 
\n
\nWeeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. 
\n
\n"How did it go?" the doctor asked. 
\n
\n"Terrible, doctor, terrible." 
\n
\n"Did it not work?" 
\n
\n"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." 
\n
\n"Then what is the problem, ma'am?" 
\n
\n"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
\n 
\n
337	Ducks and Elephants  
\n
\nWhy do ducks have webbed feet? 
\nTo put out fires. 
\nWhy do elephants have flat feet?
\nTo put out burning ducks.
\n 
\n
338	Golfer Goes to the Emergency Room  
\n
\nA man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. 
\n"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake." 
\n
\n"What did you do?" asks the doctor. 
\n
\n"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!" 
\n 
\n
339	Goose Hunting  
\n
\nSo this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese. He catches one and puts it in his bag with the other geese. Just as he closes the bag, a Hunting Inspector walks up. 
\n"Sir, can I please see that bag?" he asks. "Sure," says the hunter and hands the bag over. 
\n
\nThe Inspector looks through the bag, pulls out one goose, and sticks his finger up its ass. He pulls it out, smells it and says, "This here's a Virginia goose, do you have a Virginia Hunting License?" 
\n
\nThe hunter looks through his wallet and pulls out it and shows it to the inspector. The inspector nods and sticks his hand in the bag and pulls out another goose. 
\n
\nHe sticks his finger up it's ass and says, "This here's a Maine goose, do you have a Maine Hunting License?" 
\n
\nThe hunter looks again through his wallet, pulls out the card, and shows it to the inspector. He nods again, and pulls out the last goose. He does the routine and says, "This here is a Rhode Island goose, do you have a Rhode Island Hunting License?" 
\n
\nThe hunter fishes through his wallet, shows the card to the inspector and puts it back in. 
\n
\n"Boy," you having all these licenses, where you from?" asks the Inspector. 
\n
\nThe hunter pulls down his pants and asks, "Why don't you find out?" 
\n 
\n
340	Mounted Cop  
\n
\nThere was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. 
\n''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?'' 
\n
\n''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!'' 
\n
\nThe cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.'' 
\n
\nTo go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop. 
\n
\nThe little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.'' 
\n 
\n
341	Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit  
\n
\nMr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each. 
\nMr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. 
\nMr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. 
\nMr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. 
\nMr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said,  I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!  and rode off as fast as he could.  
\n
342	Obnoxious Parrot on an Airplane  
\n
\nA man gets to his seat on the plane, and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round, 
\nand the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks: "And get me a whisky you cow!" 
\n
\n    The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells "And get me another whisky you bitch!"
\n
\n    Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow, go and get it or I'll give you a slap!" 
\n
\n    In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a lippy bastard!!".
\n 
\n
343	Snail & Tortoise  
\n
\nWhat did the snail say on the tortoise's back? 
\n"Weeeeeeeeeee!" 
\n 
\n
344	Tarzan, King of the Elephant Trunk  
\n
\nTarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and dick. Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick. A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him. 
\n"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee." 
\n
\n"Why's that?" 
\n
\n"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's ass." 
\n 
\n
345	The Train, the Soldier and the Poodle  
\n
\nAfter World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front. He was on a very crowded train, and was looking for a seat, but the only empty one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it. He said,  Please, madam, I'm very tired. May I please sit here?  The lady replied,  No. My precious little poodle, Miss Fluffy, is sitting here.  
\nThe soldier walked the length of the train again with no luck, so he went back to the same seat next to the same woman and said,  Please, Madam, I have been fighting at the front for months, my feet hurt and I'm very tired. May I please sit here?  The woman told him,  I cannot believe how rude you are! I have already told you that my darling little Miss Fluffy is sitting here.  At that, the American lost his temper, picked up the poodle and threw it out the window. 
\n
\nAn elderly man who was sitting across the compartment looked at the American soldier and said,  You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the wrong hand and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window! 
\n 
\n
346	David's Brother David  
\n
\nA woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" 
\n"Ten," she replied. 
\n
\n"What are their names?" he asked. 
\n
\n"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered. 
\n
\n"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" 
\n
\n"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in." 
\n
\n"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" 
\n
\n"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered. 
\n
\n"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. 
\n
\n"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!" 
\n 
\n
347	Eatin' Possum  
\n
\nHow many rednecks does it take to eat a possum? 
\nThree. One to eat it, and two to watch for cars. 
\n 
\n
348	Guns and Rednecks  
\n
\nGuns don't kill people. Dumb-ass, shit-for-brains, rednecks with no jobs kill people. 
\n
349	Redneck Christmas Shopping  
\n
\nYou know you're a redneck when... you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.  
\n
350	Redneck Death  
\n
\nWhat's the last thing a redneck says before he dies? 
\n
\nHey! Watch this...  
\n
351	Redneck Driver's License Application  
\n
\nLast name: ________________ 
\nFirst name (check appropriate box): 
\n
\n
\n[_] Billy-Bob
\n[_] Bobby-Sue
\n[_] Billy-Joe
\n[_] Bobby-Jo
\n[_] Billy-Ray
\n[_] Bobby-Ann
\n[_] Billy-Sue
\n[_] Bobby-Lee
\n[_] Billy-Mae
\n[_] Bobby-Ellen
\n[_] Billy-Jack
\n[_] Bobby-Beth-Ann 
\nAge: ____ (if unsure, guess) 
\nSex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure 
\n
\nShoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right 
\n
\nOccupation: 
\n
\n[_] Farmer
\n[_] Mechanic
\n[_] Hair Dresser
\n[_] Waitress
\n[_] Unemployed
\n[_] Dirty Politician 
\nSpouse's Name: __________________________
\n2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
\n3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________
\nLover's Name: ____________________________
\n2nd Lover's Name: __________________________ 
\nRelationship with spouse: 
\n
\n[_] Sister [_] Aunt
\n[_] Brother
\n[_] Uncle
\n[_] Mother 
\n[_] Son
\n[_] Father
\n[_] Daughter
\n[_] Cousin
\n[_] Pet 
\nNumber of children living in household: ___
\nNumber of children living in shed: ___
\nNumber of children that are yours: ___ 
\nMother's Name: _______________________
\nFather's Name: _______________________ 
\n(If not sure, leave blank)
\n
\n
\nEducation: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) 
\n
\nDo you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? 
\n
\nVehicles you own and where you keep them: 
\n
\n___ Total number of vehicles you own
\n___ Number of vehicles that still crank
\n___ Number of vehicles in front yard
\n___ Number of vehicles in back yard
\n___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks 
\nFirearms you own and where you keep them: 
\n
\n____ truck
\n____ kitchen
\n____ bedroom
\n____ bathroom
\n____ shed 
\nModel of your pickup: _____________ 
\nYear pickup produced: 194____ 
\n
\nDo you have a gun rack?
\n
\n
\n[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________ 
\nNewspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
\n
\n[_] The National Enquirer
\n[_] The Globe
\n[_] MAXIM
\n[_] TV Guide
\n[_] Soap World
\n[_] Rifle and Shotgun 
\n___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
\n___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
\n___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO 
\n
\nHow often do you bathe:
\n
\n
\n[_] Weekly
\n[_] Monthly
\n[_] Not Applicable 
\n
\nHow many teeth? ___
\nColor of teeth:
\n
\n[_] Yellow
\n[_] Brownish-Yellow
\n[_] Brown
\n[_] Black
\n[_] N/A 
\n
\nBrand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
\n
\n
\n[_] Red-Man
\n
\nHow far is your home from a paved road?
\n
\n[_] 1 mile
\n[_] 2 miles
\n[_] don't know  
\n
352	Redneck Hitchiker  
\n
\nA truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a redneck on the road, he hits them -- with a priest in the truck, he'd have to swerve. But the driver decides to pick up the priest. 
\nA little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he hears a "BOOM!" The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry -- I got him with the door." 
\n 
\n
353	Redneck Name Tag  
\n
\nYou know you married a redneck when she fills out her family reunion name tag,  Four for a Dollar.   
\n
354	Texan Poetry  
\n
\nThe finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure. 
\nThe rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word  Timbuktu.  
\n
\nThe San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: 
\n
\n 'Slowly across the desert sand 
\nTrekked the dusty caravan. 
\nMen on camels, two by two 
\nDestination -- Timbuktu.  
\n
\nThe audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: 
\n
\n Tim and me, a-huntin' went. 
\nMet three whores in a pop-up tent. 
\nThey was three, we was two, 
\nSo I bucked one and Timbuktu 
\n 
\n
355	Cold Day in Hell  
\n
\nA new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. 
\n
\nThe devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. 
\nAt the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania. 
\n
\nThe devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. 
\n
\nAt the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania. 
\n
\nAt that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. 
\n
\nAt the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, instead the man was singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.
\n
\nWhen the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in hell - the Eagles must have won the Super Bowl!"  
\n
356	Golf Balls and G-Spots  
\n
\nWhat's the difference between a girl's G-spot and a golf ball? 
\nA man will spend hours looking for the golf ball! 
\n 
\n
357	Golf Fatality  
\n
\nA guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies' teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue. 
\nThe coroner calls him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?" 
\n
\n"Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan." 
\n 
\n
358	Golf Genie  
\n
\nA husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. 
\nThey felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. 
\n
\nThe wife asked the man, "Do you live here?" 
\n
\n"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered. 
\n
\nThe wife asked, "Are you a genie?" 
\n
\n"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. 
\n
\nThe husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. 
\n
\nThe genie nodded his head and said, "Done!" 
\n
\nThe genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire." 
\n
\nThe husband and wife agreed. 
\n
\nAfter the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" 
\n
\nTo which she responded, "Three years." 
\n
\nThe genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" 
\n
\nTo which she replied, "31 years old" 
\n
\nThe genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?" 
\n 
\n
359	Mommy & "Uncle" Frank  
\n
\nIt's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. 
\n"Hello?" says a little girl's voice. 
\n
\n"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" 
\n
\n"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." 
\n
\nAfter a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" 
\n
\n"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" 
\n
\n"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." 
\n
\n"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." 
\n
\n"And what happened?" 
\n
\n"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." 
\n
\n"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?" 
\n
\n"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." 
\n
\nThere is a long pause. 
\n
\n"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?" 
\n 
\n
360	Sexual Olympics  
\n
\nA man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze. 
\n"Silver," she said. 
\n
\n"Why not gold?" 
\n
\n"Because I want you to come second for once!" 
\n 
\n
361	Canadian, Eh?  
\n
\nThere were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada. 
\n"You know," said one of the explorers, "we should name this place we're hiking through." 
\n"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that." 
\n"Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh." 
\n"N, eh." 
\n"D, eh." And that's how they named Canada...  
\n
362	Farm Fugitives  
\n
\nA Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside. 
\nOnce inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''Meow''. 
\n
\n"Just cats," he thought. 
\n
\nHe then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said....''woof''. 
\n
\n"Just dogs," he thought. 
\n
\nAs he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!'' 
\n 
\n
363	I Gonna Back to Italy  
\n
\n(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)
\nOne day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not piss on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: ''Peace unto you'' I say ''Piss unto you too ya, sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy''  
\n
364	Keeping In Under The Kilt  
\n
\nIn Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. 
\n
\nA couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!" 
\n
\nSo the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. 
\n
\nA few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it." 
\n
\nSo the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. 
\n
\nUnfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear. 
\n
\nWhen his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?" 
\n
\n"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed. 
\n
\n"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here. 
\n
\n;Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly. 
\n
\nStill not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"  
\n
365	Learn to speak Chinese  
\n
\nAre you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
\nSee me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
\nSmall Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
\nYour price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
\nDid you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
\nI bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
\nI think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
\nIt's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
\nHas your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
\nThat was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
\nI thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
\nThis is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
\nYou are not very bright - Yu So Dum
\nI got this for free - Ai No Pei
\nI am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
\nPlease, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
\nOur meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
\nThey have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
\nStay out of sight - Lei Lo
\nHe's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
\nDoes this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung? 
\n
366	Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble  
\n
\n
\n    A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
\n
\n    The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
\n
\n    The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
\n
\n    That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror  checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
\n
\n    The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:  "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.  "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
\n
\n    Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
\n 
\n
367	Smart Cape Bretoner  
\n
\nThese three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander, a Cape Bretoner and a Quebecian. The three searched the island to try to find a way off when the Nefoundlander came upon a lamp with a genie. The genie poped up and said,  I will grant three wishes, so that's one for each of you.  So the Newfoundlander goes,  Well I wish I was back in Newfoundland.  So puff, he was sent to Newfoundland. 
\nThen the Quebecian jumps up and says me next me next, I know exactly want I want. TheQuebecian says,  I would like to build a wall. I want this wall to be 1000 feet high and I want it to surround Quebec, so that nothing can get in and nothing can get out, and I want to be in Quebec.  So the genie says okay and builds the wall, and now Quebec is officially separate from the rest of Canada and the Quebecian is back there.
\nSo now the Cape Bretoner gets up and says,  Tell me more about this wall.  So the genie tells him,  This wall is 1000 feet high and surrounds Quebec and noting can pass in or out of Quebec.  
\nSo the Cape Bretoner says,  Okay. Fill it with water.   
\n
368	Talking Italian  
\n
\nA bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: 
\n''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' 
\n
\n''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.'' 
\n
\n''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
\n 
\n
369	The Three Stars  
\n
\nTom Cruise, Steven Seagal, and Alec Baldwin were in a jungle filming a movie. Sadly, they were taken prisoner by the local tribe. As they were about to be executed, they begged the queen of the tribe for mercy. 
\nShe considered their plea and said, "Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed." The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food. 
\n
\nTom Cruise was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his bum. They did and he cried out in pain. 
\n
\nSeagal was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his bum. 
\n
\nTom Cruise was shocked. Here he was howling in pain, but Seagal was still laughing. Tom asked him, "What the hell is so funny?" 
\n
\nSeagal, still laughing, replied, "Alec is coming back with four pineapples." 
\n 
\n
370	The Train, the Soldier and the Poodle  
\n
\nAfter World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front. He was on a very crowded train, and was looking for a seat, but the only empty one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it. He said,  Please, madam, I'm very tired. May I please sit here?  The lady replied,  No. My precious little poodle, Miss Fluffy, is sitting here.  
\nThe soldier walked the length of the train again with no luck, so he went back to the same seat next to the same woman and said,  Please, Madam, I have been fighting at the front for months, my feet hurt and I'm very tired. May I please sit here?  The woman told him,  I cannot believe how rude you are! I have already told you that my darling little Miss Fluffy is sitting here.  At that, the American lost his temper, picked up the poodle and threw it out the window. 
\n
\nAn elderly man who was sitting across the compartment looked at the American soldier and said,  You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the wrong hand and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window! 
\n 
\n
371	Abstinence  
\n
\nThree couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. 
\nThe first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed. 
\n
\nTwo weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. 
\n
\n"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. 
\n
\n"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." 
\n
\nThe minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. 
\n
\n"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
\n 
\n
372	Art Gallery Nudes  
\n
\nA couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. 
\nThe wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" 
\n
\nThe husband replies, "Autumn." 
\n 
\n
373	Banana Love Cake  
\n
\nIngredients: 2 whole nuts, 1 large banana, 2 strong arms, 2 well shaped legs, 1 fur lined mixing bowl, 4 loving eyes. 
\nMixing instructions: Look into eyes, part legs. Gently squeeze milk jugs. Continue until bowl is well greased. Add banana, top with nuts. Move in and out until cake is well creamed. Sigh with relief, let cool. Do not lick the bowl. If cake starts to rise, get out of town FAST!  
\n
374	Beer Consumption  
\n
\nThe FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: 
\n
\nWARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 
\n
\nWARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. 
\n
\nWARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. 
\n
\nWARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 
\n
\nWARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 
\n
\nWARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. 
\n
\nWARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). 
\n
\nWARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 
\n
\nWARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor. 
\n
\nWARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 
\n
\nWARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 
\n
\nWARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."
\n
\nWARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.  
\n
375	Birdy  
\n
\nThere was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to his dingly dangly and asked, "what is that?" He replied, "It's my bird!" 
\nShe ran away to play in the sand cheerfully. The man fell asleep. zZzZzZz. Later he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin. He did not know what had gone wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the hospital he asked her. 
\n
\nShe replied, "I played with the bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest." 
\n 
\n
376	Bishop And The Ass  
\n
\nA preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! 
\nThe next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. 
\n
\nThe next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. 
\n 
\n
377	Bozo's Big Beautiful Ass  
\n
\nThere was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey. 
\n"Anywhere I go, she goes." 
\n"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was. 
\n''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks. 
\n''One thousand dollars for the food.'' 
\n''But I haven't touched the food." 
\n''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV." 
\n''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!'' 
\n''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed." 
\n''But I slept on the floor!'' 
\n''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars." 
\n''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.'' 
\n''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.'' 
\n''It was there. You should have!''  
\n
378	Brother is "Out"  
\n
\nA guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." 
\nThe barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." 
\n
\n"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." 
\n
\nThe next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" 
\n
\nOn the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" 
\n
\nThe man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!" 
\n 
\n
379	Bubble Blowing Duckies  
\n
\n
\n    Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
\n
\n   "I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
\n
\n    He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess   you were blowing bubbles too?"
\n
\n   "No, I'm Bubbles."
\n 
\n
380	Cartwheeling for Cash  
\n
\nOne day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" 
\nThe mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. 
\n
\nThe little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree. 
\n
\nThe mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties." 
\n
\n''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl. 
\n
\nThe next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?" 
\n
\nThe little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed." 
\n
\nThe mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...'' 
\n
\nBefore the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.'' 
\n 
\n
381	Chalkboard Culprit  
\n
\nOne day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word,  penis  written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
\nEach of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find  penis  on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read:  The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.   
\n
382	Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story  
\n
\nThis is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes. 
\nInside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.'' 
\n
\nHe had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.
\n 
\n
383	Confucius...Fisherman  
\n
\nAn expert fisherman is a ''master-baiter.'''  
\n
384	Damned if I know  
\n
\nA kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. 
\n"It's a period,'' said the little boy. 
\n
\n"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?'' 
\n
\n''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself." 
\n 
\n
385	Door Hinge  
\n
\nA couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left. 
\nWhen she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?'' 
\n
\nShe looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.'' 
\n 
\n
386	Fifty-Dollar Bet  
\n
\nThis guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer. 
\nThe wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed. 
\n But what about the pickle slicer,  asked the wife, perplexed.  Oh, she liked it too,  answered the husband.  
\n
387	Give Him What He Wants  
\n
\nAn escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. 
\nAs soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"
\n 
\n
388	Good, Bad, Worse  
\n
\nGood: Your children are sexually active.
\nBad: With each other 
\nWorse: And your wife. 
\n
\nGood: Hot outdoor sex. 
\nBad: Getting arrested. 
\nWorse: By your husband 
\nGood: The teacher likes your son. 
\nBad: Sexually.
\nWorse: The techer is a he. 
\n
\nGood: You go home for a quickie. 
\nBad: you get caught by your wife Worse: You're with her sister.  
\n
389	Grandma Likes it H-A-R-D  
\n
\nThis old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor. 
\nThe old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' 
\n
\nThe old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
\n 
\n
390	Ha, The Joke's On You  
\n
\nThere was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late. 
\n"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home." 
\n
\nOne of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late. 
\n
\n"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks. 
\n
\n"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom." 
\n 
\n
391	Hired Help  
\n
\nA guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. 
\nThe guy says, ''Who is this?'' 
\n
\n''This is the maid,'' answers the woman. 
\n
\n''We don't have a maid,'' says the man. 
\n
\nThe woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.'' 
\n
\nThe man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'' 
\n
\nThe woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.'' 
\n
\nThe guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?'' 
\n
\nThe maid says, ''What will I have to do?'' 
\n
\nThe man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.'' 
\n
\nThe maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. 
\n
\nThe maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?'' 
\n
\nThe man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.'' 
\n
\nPuzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.'' 
\n
\nA long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?'' 
\n 
\n
392	Moon Talking  
\n
\nWhen Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control. 
\nJust before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." 
\n
\nMany people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. 
\n
\nHowever, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. 
\n
\nOn July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. 
\n
\nArmstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" 
\n 
\n
393	Movie Magic  
\n
\nTwo junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating." 
\nHer friend replied, "Don't do anything. Just ignore it." 
\n
\nThe first girl said, "I can't." 
\n
\nHer friend, "Why can't you ignore it?" 
\n
\nThe first one says, "Because he's using my hand!" 
\n 
\n
394	New Priest In Town  
\n
\nThere was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. 
\nOne Sunday he preached, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" 
\n
\nWell, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.' 
\n
\nThis seemed to satisfy the old priest, and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age. 
\n
\nA few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. 
\n
\n"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen." 
\n
\nThe mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!" 
\n 
\n
395	Pharmacist Phun  
\n
\nA girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. 
\n
\nThe boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. 
\n
\nThat night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" 
\n
\nThe boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." 
\n
\nThe boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!" 
\n
396	Pre-Nuptial Agreements  
\n
\nA secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York. 
\nThe ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. 
\n
\n"I'll only marry you under three conditions." 
\n
\n"Anything, anything," said the ambassador. 
\n
\n"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement." 
\n
\nWithout hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!" 
\n
\nThe secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation. 
\n
\n"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France." 
\n
\nThe ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!" 
\n
\nThe secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. 
\n
\n"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis." 
\n
\nA sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!" 
\n 
\n
397	Radical Procedure  
\n
\nJoe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. 
\n"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." 
\n
\nJoe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. 
\n
\nWhen he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. 
\n
\nHe walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." 
\n
\nThe salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" 
\n
\n"It's my job." 
\n
\nJoe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." 
\n
\nThe salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" 
\n
\n"It's my job." 
\n
\nJoe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..." 
\n
\nThe salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" 
\n
\n"It's my job." 
\n
\nJoe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." 
\n
\nThe salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" 
\n
\n"It's my job." 
\n
\nThe hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." 
\n
\nJoe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." 
\n
\nThe salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." 
\n 
\n
398	Rubbing Her The Right Way  
\n
\nA few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" 
\nOver the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. 
\n
\nOne day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. 
\n
\nLittle Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" 
\n 
\n
399	Scooby Doo  
\n
\nThere was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. 
\nOne morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!'' 
\n 
\n
400	Slippery Doorknob  
\n
\nA market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, she answered, ''Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.'' 
\nThe interviewer was amazed. He said, ''I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?'' 
\n''We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.''  
\n
401	Smokin' Dope  
\n
\nTwo guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail." 
\nSo the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. 
\n
\nSo the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did. 
\n
\n''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy. 
\n
\n''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge. 
\n
\n''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.'' 
\n
\n''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.'' 
\n
\n''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge. 
\n
\n''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''
\n 
\n
402	Snow Body Knows  
\n
\nQ. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
\n
\nA. He heard the snowblower coming!  
\n
403	Squeaky Clean  
\n
\nOne night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin. 
\nShe says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.'' 
\nThe man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep. 
\nIn a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''  
\n
404	Sunday School  
\n
\nLittle Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. 
\n
\nA while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.  
\n
405	Ten Cents  
\n
\nA married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income. The wife suggested that she could whore herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go whoring. She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made. 
\n"$398.10," she said. 
\n
\n"Who paid ten cents?" he asked. 
\n
\n"Everybody."
\n 
\n
406	That IS The Only Difference  
\n
\nWhat's the difference between light and hard? 
\n
\nYou can go to sleep with the light on.  
\n
407	The Devout Catholic Woman  
\n
\nMaria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. 
\nAt the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together." 
\n
\nA guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" 
\n
\n"I mean her legs!"
\n 
\n
408	The Lady and the Facelift  
\n
\nA 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? 
\nThe man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.'' 
\n
\nThe next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?'' 
\n
\nThe man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' 
\n
\nThe lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' 
\n
\nAfter lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.'' 
\n
\nSo, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' 
\n
\nThe lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' 
\n
\nThe old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''
\n 
\n
409	The Model Lodger  
\n
\nDoris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. 
\nAfter a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. 
\n
\nDoris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. 
\n
\n"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." 
\n
\n"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." 
\n
\n"What about your husband? asked the model. 
\n
\n"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. 
\n
\n"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight." 
\n
\nThat evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. 
\n
\nThe model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes. 
\n
\nLater when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. 
\n
\n"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." 
\n
\nThe next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. 
\n
\nDoris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass. 
\n
\nLater Fred returned and they retired to bed. 
\n
\n"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" 
\n
\n"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." 
\n
\n"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't." 
\n 
\n
410	The Nuns and The Blind Man  
\n
\nTwo nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. 
\n
\nAfter conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
\n
\n"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. 
\n
\n"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. 
\n
\nThe two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
\n"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?" 
\n
411	The Proxy Father  
\n
\nThe Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon." 
\nHalf an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....'' 
\n
\n''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in. 
\n
\n''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.'' 
\n
\n''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. 
\n
\n''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.'' 
\n
\n''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.'' 
\n
\n''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'' 
\n
\n''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith. 
\n
\n''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'' 
\n
\n''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.'' 
\n
\n''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. 
\n
\n''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. 
\n''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith. 
\n''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.'' 
\n
\n''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. 
\n
\n''Yes,'' the photographer said. 
\n
\n''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 
\n
\n''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?'' 
\n
\n''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.'' 
\n
\n''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. 
\n
\n''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!'' 
\n 
\n
412	The Seven Dwarfs  
\n
\nThe Seven Dwarfs were sitting in a tub feeling happy. 
\nSo Happy got up and left. 
\n 
\n
413	Tickle These, Elmo  
\n
\nA women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.
\n
\nThe Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day. 
\n
\nThe next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem. 
\n
\nTogether they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs. 
\n
\nThe Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."  
\n
414	Tire vs. Condoms  
\n
\nQ: What is the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? 
\n
\nA: One is a good year and the other is a great year.  
\n
415	Two Old Ladies Burning Rubber  
\n
\nTwo old ladies were standing on a street corner smoking cigarettes. It started to rain and one lady said, ''Great, now I'll have to put this out.'' 
\nThe other lady said, ''No you don't, i have some cigarette covers here.'' 
\n
\nShe proceeded to take a trojan out of her purse, cut the end off and put it over her cigarette. The other lady asked, ''Where did you get that?'' 
\n
\nThe second lady replied, ''Just go to the drug store and ask for some condoms.'' 
\n
\nThe next day the first lady went to her local drug store and said to the clerk,''I'd like some condoms please.'' 
\n
\nThe clerk replied,''What size please?'' 
\n
\nThe lady said, ''One big enough to fit a Camel.'' 
\n 
\n
416	Watch and Learn  
\n
\nA rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. 
\nThe woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" 
\n
\n"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." 
\n
\nIntrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" 
\n
\n"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. 
\n
\n"What's it telling you now?" 
\n
\n"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..." 
\n
\nThe woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!" 
\n
\nThe man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!" 
\n 
\n
417	What Do I Look Like?  
\n
\nA newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" 
\nThe husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?  
\n
\nA few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" 
\n
\n"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" 
\n
\nHe just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. 
\n
\nOne weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. 
\n
\nHis wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?" 
\n
\nShe replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."  "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said. 
\n
\n"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
\n 
\n
418	Young Couple  
\n
\nA young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. 
\nIn court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
\n
\n''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''
\n
\n''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.
\n
\n''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.'' 
\n 
\n
419	Barnyard Poem  
\n
\nThe sky was dark 
\nThe moon was high 
\nWe were alone 
\nJust she and I 
\nHer hair was brown 
\nHer eyes were too 
\nI knew just what 
\nShe wanted to do 
\nSo with my courage 
\nI did my best 
\nAnd placed my hand 
\nUpon her breast 
\nI trembled and shook 
\nAnd felt her heart 
\nSlowly she spread 
\nHer legs apart 
\nI knew she was ready 
\nBut I didn't know how 
\nIt was my first try 
\nAt milking a cow  
\n
420	Bozo's Big Beautiful Ass  
\n
\nThere was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey. 
\n"Anywhere I go, she goes." 
\n"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was. 
\n''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks. 
\n''One thousand dollars for the food.'' 
\n''But I haven't touched the food." 
\n''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV." 
\n''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!'' 
\n''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed." 
\n''But I slept on the floor!'' 
\n''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars." 
\n''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.'' 
\n''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.'' 
\n''It was there. You should have!''  
\n
421	Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake  
\n
\nOne morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny.  "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." 
\n
\n    "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake.  "To be sure, it was my fault.   I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming.  By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
\n
\n    "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny.  "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself.  Maybe you could examine me and find out."
\n
\n    So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
\n
\n    Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
\n
\n    And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
\n
\n    So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."
\n 
\n
422	Deathbed Lawyer  
\n
\nWhy was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? 
\nHe was looking for loopholes!  
\n
423	Engineering In Hell  
\n
\nAn engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." 
\nSo, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. 
\n
\nOne day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" 
\n
\nSatan replies, "Hey, things are going great.   We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." 
\n
\nGod replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." 
\n
\nSatan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." 
\n
\nGod says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." 
\n
\nSatan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" 
\n 
\n
424	Farmer Joe and his Mule  
\n
\nFarmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. 
\n"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" 
\n''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--" 
\n''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" 
\n''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--'' 
\n''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so. 
\n''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'" 
\n
425	Lawyer Croaks  
\n
\nA guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." 
\nThe next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!" 
\n 
\n
426	Lawyer vs. Hooker  
\n
\nQ: What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? 
\nA: A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you're dead.  
\n
427	Lawyers' Lucky Break  
\n
\nQ: What is the definition "lucky break?"
\nA: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. 
\nQ: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
\nA: There was an empty seat. 
\n 
\n
428	Legalese  
\n
\nDefinition of a Lawyer: A person who puts two men into a fight and runs off with their clothes.  
\n
429	Lion, Tiger, Lawyer, Elevator  
\n
\nQ: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
\nA: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.  
\n
430	People Really Said These Things In Court  
\n
\nQ: What is your date of birth? 
\nA: July fifteenth. 
\nQ: What year? 
\nA: Every year. 
\n
\nQ: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all? 
\nA: Yes. 
\nQ: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
\nA: I forget. 
\nQ: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? 
\n
\nQ: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to? 
\nA: Oral. 
\n
\nQ: How old is your son - the one living with you. 
\nA: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
\nQ: How long has he lived with you? 
\nA: Forty-five years. 
\n
\nQ: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? 
\nA: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" 
\nQ: And why did that upset you? 
\nA: My name is Susan. 
\n
\nQ: Sir, what is your IQ? 
\nA: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. 
\n
\nQ: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? 
\nA: We both do. 
\nQ: Voodoo? 
\nA: We do. 
\nQ: You do? 
\nA: Yes, voodoo. 
\n
\nQ: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
\n
\nQ: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
\n
\nQ: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
\nQ: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? 
\n
\nQ: Did he kill you? 
\n
\nQ: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? 
\n
\nQ: You were there until the time you left, is that true? 
\n
\nQ: How many times have you committed suicide? 
\n
\nQ: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
\nA: Yes. 
\nQ: And what were you doing at that time? 
\n
\nQ: She had three children, right? 
\nA: Yes. 
\nQ: How many were boys? 
\nA: None. 
\nQ: Were there any girls? 
\n
\nQ: You say the stairs went down to the basement? 
\nA: Yes. 
\nQ: And these stairs, did they go up also? 
\n
\nQ: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? 
\nA: I went to Europe, sir. 
\nQ: And you took your new wife? 
\n
\nQ: How was your first marriage terminated? 
\nA: By death. 
\nQ: And by whose death was it terminated? 
\n
\nQ: Can you describe the individual? 
\nA: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
\nQ: Was this a male, or a female? 
\n
\nQ: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
\nA: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
\n
\nQ: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
\nA: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 
\nQ: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
\nA: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
\nQ: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? 
\nA: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. 
\n 
\n
431	The Hit and Run Case  
\n
\nA very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. 
\nBefore the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. 
\n
\nWhen the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 
\n
\n"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." 
\n
\n"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. 
\n
\nThe cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." 
\n
\n"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!" 
\n 
\n
432	The Teacher, the Thief & the Lawyer  
\n
\nA teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission. 
\nThe teacher is first, and St. Peter asks,  Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?   Phew, that one's easy,  says the teacher,  The Titanic.    Alright,  said St.Peter,  you may pass. 
\nThen the thief got his question:  How many died on the Titanic?  The thief replied,  That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.  And so he passed through. Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question:  Name them.   
\n
433	Who's the Most Fun to Operate On?  
\n
\n
\n    Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
\n
\n    The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians.  When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
\n
\n    The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants.  When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
\n
\n    The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians.  When you open them up everything is color coded.
\n
\n    The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".
\n
\n    The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief.  One of them asked why.
\n
\n    The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".
\n 
\n
434	A Child's Prayer  
\n
\nOne night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." 
\nThe father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. 
\n
\nThe next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." 
\n
\nThe father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. 
\n
\nReally scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." 
\n
\nNow the father was so scared he practically soiled himself. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!" 
\n 
\n
435	Actual School Excuse Notes  
\n
\nThese are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country: 
\n1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. 
\n
\n2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 
\n
\n3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33. 
\n
\n4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. 
\n
\n5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. 
\n
\n6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 
\n
\n7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 
\n
\n8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 
\n
\n9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. 
\n
\n10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 
\n
\n11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.] 
\n
\n12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. 
\n
\n13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. 
\n
\n14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. 
\n
\n15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears. 
\n
\n16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. 
\n
\n17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. 
\n
\n18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. 
\n
\n19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. 
\n
\n20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 
\n
\n21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. 
\n
\n22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor. 
\n 
\n
436	And Who Are These for, Little Boy?  
\n
\nTwo little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" 
\nThe nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom."  Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."
\n
\nThe cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?" 
\n
\nThe nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother."  The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"  
\n
\nThe nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things." 
\n 
\n
437	Anything But Cheerios  
\n
\nA 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'.'' 
\n
\nThe 4-year-old happily agrees. 
\nAs the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." 
\n
\nThe surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, ''And what would YOU like for breakfast?'' 
\n
\n''I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!''  
\n
438	At Least I Know That You Were Thinking  
\n
\nA boy was in school and the teacher asks him, ''Bobby, what is round and red?'' Bobby says, ''A banana!'' The teacher says, ''No, Bobby, it's an apple, but at least I know that you were thinking.'' 
\nThe teacher asks him again what is long and yellow and Bobby says, ''An apple!'' The teacher says, ''No Bobby, but at least you you were thinking.'' 
\n
\nBobby then looked down in his desk and asked the teacher, ''What is 4 inches long, yellow and has red on the tip?'' The teacher says, ''BOBBY!! Is that what I think it is? A penis?'' Bobby says, ''No, it's a match, but at least I know you were thinking!!''
\n 
\n
439	Baby Talk  
\n
\nLittle Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" 
\n"No," said his mom, "Of course not." 
\n
\nLittle Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!" 
\n 
\n
440	Cherry Pop  
\n
\nThree girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops. 
\n"I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up." 
\n
\n"I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it." 
\n
\n"Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's." 
\n
\n"You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor." 
\n
\n"Exactly."
\n 
\n
441	Chicken Wire & Duct Tape  
\n
\nAn old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.  He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" 
\n"Roll of chicken wire." 
\n
\n"What you gonna do with that?" 
\n
\n"Gonna catch some chickens." 
\n
\n"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
\n
\nThe next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" 
\n
\n"Roll of duct tape." 
\n
\n"What you gonna do with that?" 
\n
\n"Gonna catch me some ducks." 
\n
\n"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
\nThe boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. 
\n
\nThe next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?" 
\n
\n"It's a pussy willow." 
\n
\n"Wait up...I'll get my hat." 
\n 
\n
442	Children and Cars  
\n
\nChildren in the back of the car cause accidents. 
\nAccidents in the back of the car cause children.
\n 
\n
443	Children's Games  
\n
\nA little boy runs into his house and asks,  Mom, can little girs have babies?  
\nThe mom answers,  No, of course not.  The little boy runs outside, yelling,  It's ok, we can play the game again!  
\n 
\n
444	Chores on the Farm  
\n
\nA young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" 
\n"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" 
\n
\n"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs." 
\n
\nThe boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig. 
\n
\nFinally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?" 
\n
\n"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage." 
\n
\nJust then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?" 
\n 
\n
445	Code for Love  
\n
\nThere was a couple who did not want their children to know when they were going to have sex, so they decided on a code of ''writing a letter.'' 
\nOne day, Daddy said to his daughter, ''Tell your mommy that Daddy wants to write a letter.'' The girl went and told her mommy and the mom said, ''The red ribbon is coming out, not now.'' The girl went back to the daddy and told him. 
\n
\nOne day, Mommy told her daughter to tell her daddy that she wanted to write a letter. Daddy replied, ''Not now. Daddy already wrote the letter by hand.'' 
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446	Dad Eats Lightbulbs  
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\nLittle Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family that does something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father eats lightbulbs. 
\n"How do you know that?" asks his teacher. 
\n
\n"I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said 'If you turn out the light, I'll eat that thing.'" 
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447	Father's Day Product Placement  
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\nOn Father's Day, a little boy decides to make his dad breakfast in bed. He makes scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brings it into his dad, hands him the cup of coffee and says,''Try it dad.'' 
\nThe dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks,''How do you like it Dad?'' 
\n
\nThe dad doesn't want to hurt the little boy's feelings so he says, ''This is....something else, I've never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.'' 
\n
\nThe little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ''Drink some more Pops.'' 
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\nAs the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and says,''Hey! Why did you put army men in here?'' 
\n
\nThe little boy again smiles and sings,''The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.'' 
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448	Feet First  
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\nOne day little Danny was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first. 
\nSusie said your heart, 'cause you need it to love. 
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\nRichie said your head, 'cause you need it to think. 
\n
\nLittle Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny said, "Your feet." 
\n
\nConfused, the pastor asked why. 
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\nDanny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!" 
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449	I'd Rather Have a Puppy  
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\nA little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father  Daddy, what are they doing?  The father says,  Making a puppy.  So they walk on and go home. 
\nA few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says,  Daddy, what are you doing?  The father replies,  Making a baby.  The little boy says,  Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!  
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450	It's What's for Dinner  
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\nA woman goes to the local butcher to buy some meat for dinner. The butcher tells her that he is out of everything except  dam ham.  The woman buys the ham and goes home to cook it for her family. Her husband comes home from work and asks what she's cooking.  It's dam ham,  she tells him. The woman, her husband and their son are at the table eating later that evening when the husband says,  Pass me the dam ham.  The child then says,  While you're at it, pass me the fuckin' potatoes.   
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451	Jokes On You, Teacher  
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\nOne day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. 
\nThe next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters,  the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. 
\n
\nEvery morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters. 
\n
\nFinally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!" 
\n 
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452	Lipstick at School  
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\nAccording to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. 
\nThat was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. 
\n
\nEvery night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. 
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\nTo demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. 
\n
\nThere are teachers, and then there are educators... 
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453	Little Big Fart  
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\nThere was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't come out. 
\nSo he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ''Big chief, no fart.'' 
\n
\nThe doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tommorrow to tell him what happened. 
\n
\nThe messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.'' 
\n
\nThe doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time. 
\n
\nThe messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.'' The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans. 
\n
\nThe messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.'' 
\n
\nThe doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ''If this doesn't work then nothing will.'' 
\n
\nThe messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor. 
\n
\nThe doctor anxiously asked, ''Well, did it work?'' 
\n
\nThe messenger boy says, ''Big fart, no chief!" 
\n 
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454	Little Johnny's Big Answer  
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\nIt is near the end of the school year.  The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. 
\nTeacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." 
\n
\nLittle Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." 
\n
\nTeacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" 
\n
\nBefore Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." 
\n
\nTeacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." 
\n
\nJohnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first. 
\n
\nTeacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" 
\n
\nBefore Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." 
\n
\nTeacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." 
\n
\nJohnny is even madder than before. 
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\nTeacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can   do for you'?" 
\n
\nBefore Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says,  "John F. Kennedy." 
\n
\nTeacher: "That's right  Nancy, you may also leave." 
\n
\nJohnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. 
\n
\nWhen the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" 
\n
\nThe teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!" 
\n
\nJohnny: "BILL CLINTON.  CAN I GO NOW?" 
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455	Little Johnny's Wish  
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\nLittle Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!" 
\nThe next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
\n 
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456	Little Nancy's Pet  
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\nLittle Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" 
\n"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." 
\n
\nThe neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" 
\n
\nNancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat." 
\n 
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457	Love Is Blindness  
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\nA little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in. 
\n"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!" 
\n
\n"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
\n 
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458	Mom's Sponge  
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\nLittle Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, "What's that Mommy?" 
\nA little embarrassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, "Where is your sponge mommy?" 
\n
\nAgain embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says okay, and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. "What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?" 
\n
\n"The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!"
\n 
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459	Mommy and Daddy Dearest  
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\nThere are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture of a deer. 
\n
\nSo the teacher asks Bobby,  What is this animal called?  
\n
\n I dunno,  claims Bobby. 
\n
\nSo then she says,  I'll give you a hint it's what your mother calls your father.  
\n
\nThe boy thinks for a minute and then says,  Oh that's what a son of a bitch looks like!  
\n
460	New Lifesavers' Flavor  
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\nIt's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. 
\n
\n''I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,'' she tells the children. 
\n
\nSo she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, ''What flavor is that?'' 
\n
\nThe whole class answers, ''Mmmm, that's cherry.'' 
\n
\n''Very good,'' the teacher replies. 
\n
\nSo she gives them all a grape and they reply, ''Mmm, that's grape.'' 
\n
\n''Very good,'' she says again. 
\n
\nThen she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says, ''OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.'' 
\n
\nBilly spits his out on the floor and yells, ''Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!''  
\n
461	Perfect Penis  
\n
\nLittle Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom. He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs. His father replied that it was the perfect penis. The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates. 
\n''What's that?'' asked Jenny. 
\n
\n''Well,'' said Johnny, ''if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect penis.''' 
\n 
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462	Playing Doctor  
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\nA little boy and girl were playing doctor. The little boy boldly pulled off his shirt and pointed to his nipples. 
\n"I've got two of these," he said. "How about you?" The little girl opened her blouse and showed him her nipples. So the boy pointed to his belly button. The little girl looked down showed him her belly button. So the little boy dropped his drawers and pointed to his penis. The little girl raised her skirt and pulled her underwear to the side, but search as she might she couldn't find that particular organ. The little boy taunted her till she ran home to her mommy. She returned 15 minutes later with a big grin on her face. 
\n
\n"My mommy told me that when I am 15 years old, I'll have as many of those as I want!" 
\n 
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463	Sex Relatively Speaking  
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\n"Dad," asked son, "What's that shriveled up old thing on Grandma?" 
\nDad replied ''That's Grandpa!" 
\n 
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464	Smart Pills  
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\nOne day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit. One of the boys said, ''What is that?'' 
\n''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter. 
\n
\nSo he ate them and said, ''These taste like shit.'' 
\n
\n''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're already getting smarter.'' 
\n 
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465	Stone Surprise  
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\nOne day there were two boys playing by a stream when they saw a woman bathing naked. All of a sudden one of the boys took off running. The other boy took off after his friend. After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away. 
\n"Well," the boy said, "my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."
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