y'all @ the south: culture, tradition & life in dixie

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By John T. Edge

In search of a little Southern something for Christmas?

Perhaps a stocking stuffer for your favorite Y'all columnist?

I have to warn you: I'm awful particular. Don't even talk to me about Jeff Foxworthy calendars or Lewis Grizzard books. I don't want any cutesy Southern sampler gift basket full of Vidalia onion this and Smithfield ham that. And, no, a Stuckey's pecan log just won't do.

What I want is either tacky or wacky and preferably both. Can you imagine waking up on Christmas morning with these stuffed in your stocking? Merry Christmas indeed.


Jesse Helms Toilet Paper
Yeah, I know. Jesse won, again. Six more years of racist, myopic rantings from Capitol Hill. Our North Carolina friends deserve better. Hell, the South deserves better.

But, until the year 2002 arrives, you can take solace in the privacy of your own bathroom with a roll of "Helms Happens" toilet paper.

Wipe that smile off his face with this lovely two-ply toilet paper made from partially recycled materials: $15 for six rolls with volume discounts available. E-mail them at onaroll@onaroll.com. Or, visit their website. Bumper stickers with the message "Helms Happens, But Is It Art?"are also sold, though they don't prove nearly as useful in the bathroom.



Fighting Okra T-shirt
Though the "official" team mascots of Delta State University are the Statesmen or Lady Statesmen (choose your gender), it is the "unofficial" mascot that demands the attention of the savvy Southern shopper.

On a recent drive through Cleveland, Miss., a roadside apparition appeared.

There, plastered all over the side of a hulking, late-model station wagon, were the words: Delta State University Fighting Okra: We're No Ordinary Vegetable.

I made a hard right turn into the parking lot and started asking questions. Who wouldn't?

Here's the story I was told: It seems that a few years back, the football team couldn't get an ample supply of the kelly green jerseys traditionally worn by the Statesmen. But, their supplier had a great deal on an earthier, brownish green.

Strapped for cash like many colleges, Delta State opted for the okra-green jerseys. Soon after, from high in the grandstand, a local pundit was heard to observe: "Well I'll be damned. Don't they look like a mess of okra a' wrigglin' around down there?" It stuck -- just like okra.

Now you too can share the vision. Show the world that you're okra and you're proud with these fine, all cotton T-shirts priced at $16.95 plus shipping and handling. Call the Delta State University bookstore at (601) 846-4640. Sweatshirts are expected soon. Be the first on your block!


Spam Snowdome

Face it. Spam gets no respect.

Though 122 million little blue cans are sold each year (no word on how many are actually eaten), we Southerners do not give Spam the respect it deserves.

Maybe it's because "potted meats" like Spam taste too much of our poverty ridden past. Or, maybe it's because we can't stomach that slurping noise the meat makes as we remove it from the can.

No matter, despite annual Spam carving contests, despite legislative proclamations deeming Spam to be "the official lunchmeat of the South," it sits sheepishly, in the back of our cupboards, away from the prying eyes of the friends and neighbors.

That is, until now. Now you can enjoy Spam without actually eating it, thanks to the good folks at Global Shakeup.

The tiny can lurking amidst the snowdome blizzard is authentic in every way, complete with a pull tab top and bright yellow script emblazoned on the traditional Spam-blue can: "Cold Or Hot...Spam Hits The Spot."

Snowdomes are $10.50 plus shipping and handling. Three-day shipping can be arranged. E-mail them at gshakeup@aol.com. Or, visit their website. No information was available at press time as to what was in the can.

Well, that's it. Though these are my favorites, my hunch is that this wacky tacky wish list is far from complete. Did I miss something spectacular? Is there a little special Southern something that I should know about? Drop me a line.

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