My best friend Gery and I are falling in love. But he's in Colorado and I'm in California. I first met him through a mutual friend online almost three years ago and we have gone through such piles of shit. Now everything is going wrong. He has a girlfriend but we just confessed to each other several days ago and now we don't know what the hell to do. I think I'm going down. I might convert to the drug culture of street junkies and wander around the country aimlessly as an unhappy girl.
Hang in there! I'm not exactly the relationship queen myself, but you say this guy has a girlfriend. What's the status of his relationship? Is he still w/her? How long have they been together? How strong is the relationship?
Zo0eY-
Hello again.
By 2 different characters, are you referring to you & Gery or our online selves vs. our real life selves? If you're referring to you & Gery, I think you would probably be (at the very least) good friends in real life. Neither of you would have bothered developing such an extensive online relationship unless there were some common interests, values, etc.
ok.... I think I can talk here with some security of what the heck I"m saying...
My story is much different. I am a married woman, and I got online a few years ago, innocently. Unfortunately, over the past year and a half, I have fallen in love, (or at least it feels like it) with 2 different men. I am trying so hard to forget about this damn computer stuff and live a REAL life! My husband is wonderful, but I am so messed up.
Sami, I know it may be hard, but if you are in that much trouble--get rid of your computer. If you need it for writing purposes, get a 486. It's nearly impossible to do anything on-line with one, and trying to surf the web with it will make you so damned frustrated you will gladly quit! ;) If that doesn't work, forget to pay your electric bill!
Lya's probably right. But I know how hard it can be to be off your computer. Perhaps you should look at why you're doing these things Sami. You say your husband is wonderful, yet you're still doing all this. Could it be that he doesnt satisfy you enough in bed and so you take your needs to the computer? It might be worth your time to go to a sex therapist. God knows not all shrinks are freaks and from what I hear sex therapists can really make a couple's life spicier and more fulfilling. Whatever you do, I hope you find a way to fix it... good luck
I too have fallen in love over the net...and in the process of doin it again ATM. Ooohh..it is so tough...why does it seem that u always meet the 'perfect' guy in such an 'imperfect' situation..or is that why it seems 'perfect'? I try to tell myself to just pay attention to the here and now..but the here and now is lacking so much that I need. Can anyone out there relate to this??
Falling in love on the net is not real. I mean, unless you take the relationship to another leven like phone conversation, that person isn't even real to you. The net is just a way to initially MEET someone....the way I see it, it's like a way of screening people. You can weed out the REALLy incompatible ones, and then see the others. however, from there on, I think all the *courting* should be done in person or something close to in person.
i agree. people over the net can pretend to be to be anyone and therefore it's hard to get to really know someone if all you know of them is what they are writing to you. it's a great way to start realationships but falling in love with that actual person is not possible. it is possible to fall in love with what they write.
Hey, here are some sites about online relationships. Haven't really had a chance to check them all out to see if they're good or not, but the first one looks pretty good. I figured I'd pass them along:
well you all have very good points... Que.. you're right.. it does need to step up to at least phone calls... then you at least know its the sex you're looking for. But I think its a wonderful way to meet people. Folks are always afraid of the "psychos" on the net and really, you know who they are when they step in the chat room. Most people that I've met and continued to talk to are very good about being themselves on the net. I mean, you're basically assured anonymity unless you care to give details about yourself... why change your personality when you can find someone who likes you for you and you dont even have to tell them your real identity. Most people, in my experience, are very truthful and open about themselves. why pretend you're someone else when you can anonymously find someone who likes you for you?
It is easy to have feelings for people on the net, but face it, unless you meet it is all based on the fantasy that you have of that other person.
Not exactly, Tammy.
No Eliste, i have to stand my ground on this one. So what happened to this relationship? You met and then....? It is great you hit it off in person but are you STILL hitting it off? How far away does this person live from you?
We met and had a wonderful time together (I am still a virgin if you were wondering). We had a wonderful time that I will always remember.
That to me is the problem. It is TOO easy to fall in love with peoples' minds over the net. Judging by words, judging by looks it is all the same, you need the total package.
total package? how many times have you had the experience of meeting someone in real life and had the total package they put forward be something completely different than what you originally thought? I think people feel freer to be themselves on the internet and so its easier to really know the person. Looks truly dont matter unless you are completely materialistic which is the sad state of most of our world today. Besides, even in real life you do fall at least partially in love with a person because of their words. If you didnt like the way a person talked then why would you like them? It is a person's words that show their mind as well as their actions.
If I met some guy i was crazy about in the net, and he weighed 300 pounds, sorry no go. I don't care how perfect he was in other ways.
Yes there are bullshitters, but when you talk to a person for months and months at a time on both the net and the phone you will know the bullshitters. Over a long period of time, someone cant keep a bullshit story from you if you're not totally blind. Besides, the relationships I've been in have always been honest. They would have told me their weight... but I personally dont think that matters at all. Too materialistic if something such as weight can deter you. Outer appearances can be changed you know.
One can meet plenty of liars & bozo boys through regular, non-internet means. I agree w/Eliste on this one. As long as one maintains a bit of skepticism, uses common sense & takes safety precautions (e.g. meet in public spaces when it's time to meet each other face to face, the internet can be an okay place to meet someone.
My suggestion to you Eliste is never go into a relationship thinking you can change someone. The chances of a 300 pound man changing won't happen anytime soon if at all. I'm a visual person. I like things that are pleasing to my eye. If a naked 300 pound man is looking at me and says "oh baby" I think i would throw up. Looks are important to a point. They have to be.
Lee: I agree
This is a bizzare situation... and a rather gutsy one too, but my date for prom is a guy i met on-line and have not met in person. And will not meet in person until the night of prom. We have been chatting everyday for a month and a half and him and a friend are driving down to go to prom with me.
I think you're playing it rather safe, Keely. But from my own disillusionments and personal experience, I would like to warn you that cyber-characters tend to be altered from real-life characters. I have this theory that many of us put on "masks" when we go on-line and some of our
Some people do put on masks, but I think it usually isn't intentional.
If you ask me online relationships are RETARTED!!! Come on! I mean you could be talking with someone from Cuba, but they tell you they're from Africa! You have absolutely NO idea who the person is no matter what they tell you. Sure it's fine to talk to someone on a chat line, but you've gone too far when you give them you phone number! And some people do! A friend of mine did that...and for awhile this person wouldn't stop calling her!
pardon me Amanda but you are just way off, not to mention biased. You have to remember that it is REAL PEOPLE on the other end and that just because one person wouldnt stop calling your friend doesnt mean that everyone is like that. I regularly keep correspondence with lots of friends that I met off the internet. Besides. if you give someone their phone number you have a better chance of getting to know the real person. The media is full of the tales of failed internet relationships but the fact is that a lot more work out than fail. I can vouch for this with many, MANY of my friends both in real life and on the net. Dont dis it til you've tried it girl.
Well said Zooey and Craig. The longer i'm in the net i realize how much of it is based on fantasy. I know that i come across as being a lot more confident in chatting situations than i am in real life. It does alter who we are either intentionally or not.
My God. I've had this darn computer (and no life -- kidding) since December. I had to stop reading here after the poor woman with the wonderful husband told us about the two men she had "fallen in love" with on the 'Net. It was getting too scarey. My story? I was happily "married" to MYSELF until March 13th when I stumbled across what appears to be Mr. Right ... although he's on the other side of the continent. I've been swept up in whatever it is we have, and we're making arrangements for him to come and visit me. Love? Dunno. My philosophy is that things come to you at a time in your life when you're ready for them. I "met" this guy when I had become happier than I'd ever been in my life and, if it IS love, I think I'm ready. But what if it isn't? Who can TELL over the 'Net? How much do I want to invest in this speculation -- mentally, emotionally, chronologically ... not to mention physically and financially (when we go on vacation together). Of COURSE we plan to do the dirty deed ... we've had two months of foreplay and getting to "know" each other ... why WOULDN'T we? Being of the disco generation, I'm pretty sure I know what it's like to wake up beside a stranger. Thing is, I FEEL like I DO know THIS guy ... I'm just not so familiar with the package he comes in!
to all of you women out there who have met men online, go with your hearts, not what other people tell you.
Within all of us is an internal dialog, concerning ourselves and teh world around us. Writing has traditionally been a way of expressing this dialog, whether in essay, novel, articles or letters. The internet now lets more of us than ever bring forth our inner selves. We go through life in (U.S.) society with our innerselves buttoned up and only show them little by little with friends and such as they become closer and trusted. Here (and elsewhere on the net), we can open up our inner world first. Kinda' nice but it's a new process never seen before in history. There will be bumps on the way.
Within all of us is an internal dialog, concerning ourselves and teh world around us. Writing has traditionally been a way of expressing this dialog, whether in essay, novel, articles or letters. The internet now lets more of us than ever bring forth our inner selves. We go through life in (U.S.) society with our innerselves buttoned up and only show them little by little with friends and such as they become closer and trusted. Here (and elsewhere on the net), we can open up our inner world first. Kinda' nice but it's a new process never seen before in history. There will be bumps on the way.
Great discussion!!!
i arranged to meet this guy in "the real world" yesterday but on monday i told him i couldnt make it. why? because i chickened out. he is sweet and kind and i don't care what he looks like (and vice versa) he lives quite a way from me and is 11 months younger. why on earth did i say no? he sent me this e-mail which made me feel awful because he was hurt so much. i am such a cow. i had every intention of meeting him. PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I DID THAT!
By Lee on Monday, January 19, 1998 - 07:40 pm:
Then there's the geographical/online thing. Have you met this guy in person? Talked on the phone? Online relationships can be very deceptive. Everyone's at their best in "writing" (i.e. we can all give good e-mail). We have time to reflect upon what we say, we never have a nasty tone of voice to our "loved" ones, etc. It's easy to idealize someone you've been conversing w/via the Internet.
Before you take any major action, maybe you two should meet in person to talk things over (maybe a long weekend) If you've never met him before, take all of the normal safety precautions you would w/a blind date (i.e. meet in a public place, have your own means of transportation to/from the meeting, etc.).
Once you have an in-person discussion, it'll be a little bit easier to determine what the next step is. You might arrange to see each other once a month. He could go to CA one mo., you could go to CO the next. If it's the real thing, you could figure out where the 2 of you should live. It's a little easier to do that in person than online.
I hope this helps. Good luck :-)
By Kat on Monday, January 19, 1998 - 08:36 pm:
yikes! i can't beleive you! the same thing happened wiff me and my current boyfriend..we met online, through mutual people, blah blah. everyone thinks i am crazy, but we are truly in love. i met him over the summmer and *wow* it was so great. we are far apart, too and it blows. plus, my parents forbid it because he's older than me. yeah i have been so tempted to jump into his car and run away but i know mom would get the FBI on his ass :) whatever you feel i'm SURE i can relate.
have you ever talked on the phone wiff him?
By ZoOeY on Saturday, February 7, 1998 - 01:17 pm:
Here's the nine yards. He is still with his girlfriend, and I respect that because it would
not make sense if he broke up with her over me.
She's the one who is flesh and blood to him; I
am just a psuedonym with an overactive imagination
hundreds and hundreds of miles away. I have never met this stranger in my whole life but I have chatted with him on the phone several times. I doubt that we will take any critical major action because basically there IS nothing we can do. That is the sad downside of online relationships.
I think the dilemma with the Internet is that we, as wanderers in cyberspace, fall for the idealization theory too easily unfortunately. Does that mean we may not be good friends in real life because we might be two completely different characters?
By Lee on Saturday, February 7, 1998 - 09:59 pm:
As for our online selves vs. our real life selves,
I guess that's something we're all going to have to work out. I keep in touch w/college friends who live in other cities/countries via e-mail & I've been told that I come across as more confident/funny online. I'm taking this as a cue to work on developing more confidence/humor in real life.
I'm going part-time for a MS in Library & Info Science & working full-time as a librarian. A lot of my work involves computer research, including the Internet. One of the basic tenets of the profession is to evaluate one's sources critically, for authority, scope, accuracy, etc. To a certain extent, we have to do the same w/online relationships. We need to evaluate what someone is telling us & why.
By Eliste on Thursday, March 12, 1998 - 02:35 am:
you see... I too fell in love with a man I met over the internet. volsung and I are so incredibly in love that we can truly finish each other's sentences. we talk on the phone everyday almost and email is constantly flowing between us. the friendship we had before we fell in love was amazing. very close and always honest. about halfway through this january, I finally recieved a picture of him, something like 8 or so months after first meeting him. two weeks later, I flew out to visit friends that happened to live in San Diego, showed up at his workplace by surprise, and spent the best afternoon of my life with him...
the thing is... he also is in another relationship so I"m kinda playing second fiddle right now, I know what you're going through Zooey.
but this is what I really wanted to say...
talking to him on the phone I with him I was scared I might encounter a different person on the other end. but there was a slight difference, just like the slight difference between net and email, but in all actuality it was the same man. In person you could see that...
if Gery is being honest on the net (and I believe if you've known him this long he has to be) it can work. if you'd made the step and realized you love him (that IS a REALLY hard thing to do despite what they all say) AND you've had the guts to tell each other that's the start of it all...
whether he and his girlfriend stay together or not, you can always love him and have an amazing friendship based on a love that is true and lasting. afterall they do say that friendships make the best marriages... who knows what the world has in store for you two...
just believe in your love and yourself and in him and it will work out... perhaps not exactly in the way most picture love but it will work out... just hang in there...
walk in beauty....
eliste
By Sami on Tuesday, March 17, 1998 - 06:19 pm:
I also dabble in cybersex and phone sex. Does anyone out there think they can offer me advice? I dont know what to do!
By Lya on Saturday, March 21, 1998 - 12:09 am:
By Eliste on Saturday, March 21, 1998 - 05:28 pm:
By Goodgirl on Monday, March 30, 1998 - 11:28 pm:
By Que_ on Tuesday, March 31, 1998 - 08:18 pm:
That was just my opinion....
Que
By Keely on Tuesday, March 31, 1998 - 10:01 pm:
By Lee on Saturday, April 4, 1998 - 09:18 pm:
http://web2.airmail.net/walraven/romance.htm
http://pages.prodigy.net/infinity11x/love.htm
http://edie.cprost.sfu.ca/~chiklink/meetings.html
http://planetx.bloomu.edu/~jdmegarg/jeff.html
I've just recently started chatting in chat rooms & I'm finding myself increasingly infatuated w/one of my chat correspondents. We haven't been chatting all that long & it's just been on a friendly basis, so I keep telling myself, must keep reality in mind :-)
By Eliste on Monday, April 6, 1998 - 11:23 am:
About the falling in love... yes it could be the other person's words you fall in love with. However, isnt that (at least to some degree) what we fall in love with in real life? If you didnt like the way a person spoke to you you wouldnt fall for them. Using the chat rooms is like you have a voice. And that voice will be what others know of you and even love about you. They cannot be lusting after you unless you send a picture. It is almost a purer form of love when you meet this way. No matter what the other looks like you know the person's personality intimately and that is truly what matters. Love cannot completely exist over the net, but I definitely think it is a way to open doors to find that special someone.
By Tammy Smith on Saturday, April 25, 1998 - 10:23 pm:
By Eliste on Sunday, April 26, 1998 - 02:47 pm:
My love was very strong before I met my darling in real life. I had two pictures, very small of him, his personal description of himself, and ages of wonderful conversations with him. I knew his mind and I knew that his mind and mine were prfect matches for each other.
The fact is, it is the person's inside that counts. My dear is not in phenominal shape, is a bit overwieght if the truth be told, something I couldnt quite have known seeing that I only had head shots of the man. The thing is that no matter what he had looked like I would have loved him anyway. It is not the lustful relationship of a teenager or of something where we'd met in a bar.
It is a more meaningful and honest relationship than either of us have ever had before. It is somehow purer. The intelligence, the security within our love, the matchless wit, the soft romantic, those attributes contributed to making him the most sexy man alive to me before I ever laid eyes on him in real life.
Sure, I had my ideas about him before I met him in real life, but the feelings I had were true, were still there, were even stronger when I was face to face with him. You can fall in love anywhere, whether it is in a class, a bar, an airplane, an apartment, a supermarket, and even a chat room. It doesnt matter where you meet as long as you are in love.
By Tammy Smith on Sunday, April 26, 1998 - 03:52 pm:
The net is very limited on what you can really know about a person the rest is fantasy (in my opinion of course!)
By Eliste on Sunday, April 26, 1998 - 04:22 pm:
YES we are still hitting it off wonderfully. In fact I'm flying out to see him in early june once school lets me out again. He lives in about 876 miles away from my home but about 1200 miles away from where I go to college.
The net can give you plenty of information about the other. We were both completely honest from the beginning so there was nothing that we didnt know about each other mentally. The only thing left to fantasy is the physical stuff which really doesnt matter in a loving relationship anyway. If you arent honest, and are hung up on such minor details as physical looks, then the internet is not the place to find anyone. However I maintain you can fall in love with a person's mind very easily over the internet
By Tammy Smith on Tuesday, April 28, 1998 - 11:51 am:
By Eliste on Tuesday, April 28, 1998 - 04:29 pm:
By Tammy Smith on Tuesday, April 28, 1998 - 11:12 pm:
Probably most people do feel freer in the net but that doesn't mean that everyone is freer to be more honest...there are a lot of bullshitters out there too.
By Eliste on Tuesday, April 28, 1998 - 11:32 pm:
By Lee on Wednesday, April 29, 1998 - 06:44 am:
One advantage is that chatting at least gives you a good idea if there are common interests, etc. w/out putting appearance pressures on people right away. Even if there's no chemistry face to face, at least there's enough common ground for a friendship.
By Tammy Smith on Wednesday, April 29, 1998 - 01:48 pm:
And materialistic isn't the word you want i think it is "shallow" would be better. Materialistic is for material goods.
What exactly are we discussing anyway? I like on-line relationship a lot. Believe me, i spend way too much time in here sometimes. But i'm just saying when you meet totally different ballgame. Since this wasn't your experience that is great.
By Eliste on Thursday, April 30, 1998 - 01:14 am:
no I think materialistic works just fine. It reflects the views of a society who measures things in appearances and places so much emphasis on having the "right" things and the "right" appearances. But lets not get me started on that...
I didnt mean that I would walk into a relationship and change them. I would respect them enough tolet them be as they are, but if you're getting to the point of meeting in real life you'd pretty much better be telling each other the truth about everything, including weight. AND it also helps to have seen a picture of the other person so when you're looking for the other in a mall, airport, restaurant, workplace, wherever you meet you dont completely mistake them and feel bad. Looks can be important to some, but I'm reminded of a quote.
"You dont love a woman because she is beautiful but she is beautiful because you love her." -Unknown
There is a truth in those words... if it is love, then the outside doesnt matter.
By Keely on Monday, May 11, 1998 - 10:51 pm:
i was just wondering what people's ideas on this are. I know it's a bit risky. But after talking to someone everyday for a month and a half, (that half is really important :}) i have some sort of an idea what kind of person he is and that he is not going to stalk me or have "wandering hand syndrome", etc...
And if worse comes to worse and they are a little creepy I am not going to be alone with them... We are meeting at a restaurant and then going back to my house, (where my parents are home), and then going to prom and prom party.
i am just wondering what people's thoughts on this are.
:)
By ZoOeY on Thursday, May 14, 1998 - 01:22 am:
less-known characteristics shine through more distinctly on-line rather than real life. We might be more inclined to use our humor more aggressively and share our most innermost desires and thoughts (a bit hyperbolic statement..hehe) with random strangers in the cyberspace you normally won't breathe to your best friend, or at least your mother.
But I wish you lots and lots of good luck. I hope the stars will be in your favor. Just keep your instincts on guard just in case.
Oh the "wandering hand syndrome?" I love that name. Did you made that up? *lol*
By Craig on Saturday, May 16, 1998 - 09:40 am:
Online we have time, even if we think we are talking completely spontaneously, to compose what we say. That isn't quite the case on the phone, but it's still words and ideas to an unseen person, and that can alter how at ease we feel.
All of us, I think, take what we know about a person and fill in the (huge) gaps to create a full person. Unfortunately, that person rarely matches the real person. It isn't their fault, and it isn't our fault. It just happens.
By Amanda on Sunday, May 17, 1998 - 03:23 pm:
By Eliste on Sunday, May 17, 1998 - 03:49 pm:
By Tammy Smith on Sunday, May 17, 1998 - 06:24 pm:
By Anonymous on Wednesday, June 3, 1998 - 10:28 am:
I see my fellow Nrrd Grrl sisters discussing fantasies and reality, but I think that what we're talking about here is the "honeymoon" thingy ... the thrill of the new experience ... of discovering and exploring each other. Shoot me if I ever cease to be affected by such a feeling. It's overwhelming. It's fascinating. It's exhillarating.
If our unfortunate friend with the wonderful husband finds herself falling for Internet Man, I think she finds Him attractive for the old feelings He stirs in her ... feelings she may no longer get with her husband. Maybe that itch was always there, but she only noticed it when the computer scratched it.
The honeymoon thingy is like a roller coaster ride. Thrilling. Exciting. But it's over quickly, and it's hardly practical for the commute to work.
Hubby, on the other hand, has been and will always be there. Whatever she lost when the honeymoon was over with him has, I hope, been replaced by the bigger and better feeling of truly knowing your life's partner. He's a comfy old pair of shoes. I hope she will slap a new layer of polish on him and toss out the new heels that make her legs look nice but hurt like hell at the end of the day.
Me? I'm gonna try out the heels and hope they're comfy and last a long, long time. If I don't try them on, I'll never know ...
By Anonymous on Thursday, June 18, 1998 - 10:13 pm:
i met my current boyfriend online, and we are in love, and i'm sure a lot of people think it's absolutely crazy, but it's possible. i'm not delusional, i'm very stable, and i now know what love is. i'm not thanking the internet, i'm more thanking god at this point. i didn't intend on meeting someone so special online, it just happened that way. so if you're asking yourself, 'why did i have to meet him this way?' just forget about it. move on, you met him, that's all you know. what is so different about meeting someone online than meeting someone in a bar when you are completely intoxicated? i think meeting someone online is definitely a more positive experience than meeting someone in person. it's definitely made me a less shallow when i used to rely on looks to find a mate. when you correspond with someone strictly through words and not the physical, it turns into so much more.
of course there are the psychos out there, so you must be careful, please use your head and make sure trustworthy friends know if you are going to meet this person.
in conclusion, there are good people on the internet, look at yourself, you are!
By Gilmoure on Thursday, August 27, 1998 - 08:09 pm:
G
By Gilmoure on Thursday, August 27, 1998 - 08:09 pm:
G
By Anonymous on Friday, September 4, 1998 - 03:07 am:
For what it's worth, here's my two cents.
Use the net as a way of determining "inner world" compatability. In that world we don't have bodies. In that world we are BEINGS. Intellectual and emotional "chemistry" is wonderful stuff when it's good. People can form friendships/alliances that can have positive results in the 3D world.
If your primary aim is to find a lover; then at least you can develope a "pool of possibles" and take it from there with a picture; then ask (assuming you're seeking a male;-) him for *his* # first. (If he won't give a home #, odds are he's playing games or is a coward...either way, let him go.
Frankly the odds are against the physical chemistry matching the emotional/intellectual, but so what. That's what makes life exciting and worth living. Go for it!!!
By Regretful15 on Tuesday, October 27, 1998 - 02:59 pm: