This month's Snarl is by Melanie Calhoun:

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FAT



For about 18 of my 22 years, I have been fat. There are all these polite terms to use, like chubby, or overweight, or the most polite of them all, big built. It all processes the same in most peoples' brains. Fat (can also be translated into cow or huge, depending on whose ears this is falling on.)

I used to be the person who bought every book about dieting, read all the diets in Cosmo, tries every form of Slim Fast they unleashed. I even tried a diet once where the idea was you eat cabbage soup, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Yuck. I starved myself or forced myself to eat foods I hated. I believed every word when I read those magazine articles that claimed "Lose 30lbs in 10 days!". The only change in my weight was that I permanently gained another 40 or 50 lbs.

So now, here I am. I'm 22. I'm fat.

But you know what?

I've had it.

So what?

So what if I'm chubby, or overweight, or big built, or just plain fucking FAT? I am the same person INSIDE, where it counts. The only thing that I can think of that would be changed about my personality were I thin, would be this defense mechanism I have built up for the word FAT. It's an automatic reaction now, I cringe everytime I see or hear it. Because I know, every time I see or hear it, someone is getting hurt by it. Those three letters can be the most devastating three letters for a young girl to hear.

I finally made the conscious decision to ignore it. I am me. Part of being me includes weighing 258 lbs. If someone chooses not to be my acquaintance, friend, or lover because I am fat, then it's their loss. They missed out on knowing the beautiful person that I am. They missed out on knowing how funny I am, or how much fun I am to be around. They missed out on knowing just how sexy I can be. I walk with my head held high, my obvious confidence in myself showing through. I have not encountered anyone yet who hasn't succumbed to the charm of me if I wanted them to. I have made numerous friends, and dated wonderful AND good-looking guys.

The word FAT no longer hurts. Instead, it sparks a flame in me that can turn to anger if I give it the oxygen it needs. I am so angry every time I see a Cosmo now. Those people aren't real. Every time I see a diet book I scoff. It isn't possible to lose 50 lbs in 10 days eating celery!

The only thing I want to know now is, how do you get this message across to other people? How do you share this with young women who I see every day, walking around with their heads held down, depressed and angry, let down by the world? How do you tell that 16 year old girl that there really are guys out there who would prefer not to be bedding down with a rack of bones like Kate Moss? How can I save other girls from the anger, hurt, and frustration I dealt with?

Tell me. Someone has to know.




Melanie Calhoun is a freelance writer and music editor for Tangents magazine.