MY NEIGHBOR THE NAZI

by Diana Stoneberg



There's only one thing worse than a Nazi. That's a wannbe Nazi.

We started working on our long awaited fence in our front yard the other day. As we were shoveling dirt one of our neighbors drove by on a three wheeled motorcycle in a German World War II helmet, without a shirt, raised his fist and yelled, "the only good Mexican is a dead Mexican". We looked at him and said, "he's nuts".

A little history on this guy will help. First of all he lives in a house where his back yard faces a number of apartment buildings and through the years he's been dealing with a problem that gets worse and worse. That problem is that tenants of these apartment buildings are throwing their garbage directly from the sixth floor into his back yard. I guess it's gotten to be a sport because he exchanges gunfire with the tenants quite a bit.

This guy also bought an old Cadillac sawed off the front grill and created some SS insignia on it. He also flies the German flag (mind you he's not German) on Hitler's birthday. We don't know what he is but he really wants to be a Nazi. He also drives around in a black hearse with a plastic blow-up doll in the front seat. His profession should be no surprise, he's a security guard. I don't know what he is guarding but I wouldn't go near it given the fact he's so heavily armed. Of course this wacko drives around espousing hate all over the place and does he get shot? No. He will probably live to be a hundred. We on the other hand have been robbed, shot at and misdemeanored up the whazoo.

So, back to the building of the fence a couple of days ago. After he drove off spewing his venom around the corner we thought that was the last of this wackos presence. The next morning when we awoke to find a 4' x 8' plywood SIGN posted on our front lawn with all kinds of Nazi propaganda we were shocked. He had posted this huge sign on the front lawn with among other things "El Duce" he forgot the "l" referring to Mussolini. "April 20th" Hilter's birthday. "Arriba con Fidel" which means "up with Fidel" his attempt at sarcasm. "Viva La Raza" meaning, "Long Live the Race!" again another stab at sarcasm. "Chaka" which refers to a local tagger who was arrested for doing $500.000 worth of property damage, was given a light sentence and then on the elevator tagged again earning him a harsher sentence. And finally his attempt at history "Aztlan" which refers to the mythic land of the "Californians" and the areas of the Southwest -- Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, California, Baja that are believed by Chicano nationalists to comprise it. As if all of that wasn't proof enough that he's nuts he also attached his business card with a note on the back "graphetti for hire".

Now the main problem with all of this sludge is that it's like placing a red flag in front of a bull. We do not believe in any of this nonsense. These are not our sentiments. If he wants to place this garbage on his front lawn fine, but he's not the one getting shot at around here.

I called the cops and when they arrived they didn't know what to do. They couldn't quite find a code as it wasn't exactly a hate crime. They told me if we were Hispanic it would qualify but they had never had an Anglo doing this to another Anglo. I insisted they look for something stronger than a misdemeanor. They found terriorism which is a felony.

After quite a discussion, we decided to file a report and that the detectives would pay him a visit to put the "fear of God" in him. They came by this morning to tell me that he hadn't taken it so well when they suggested that rather than go to jail he could write a letter of apology. The lead officer who happened to be Black also experienced the guy's equal opportunity racism.

I don't know if we'll get a letter of apology but if we do I know what I'm going to do with it. I'm going to post it on a sign with giant arrow pointing to my neighbor the Nazi's house.

Diana Stoneberg writes "Biographical Biopsies". Her piece The Will To Live appeared in Grrowl! #5.