There's so many jokes out there, that make women look dumb,
Try: Q. What's the difference between a man, and wimble don common in winter?
This is rather long winded, but stick with it. It's not really attacking men, just the comparative intelligence of different nationalities (so not at all stereotypical or bigoted then), but you can probably tailor it. Ok, here goes - An Irishman, and Englishman and a Scotsman work on an oil rig. They sit on the side every lunchbreak to eat their lunch. One day, the Englishman opens his lunchbox and says - "Oh Christ. Ham sandwiches AGAIN!!. If I get ham sandwiches again tomorrow I'm gonna jump of this oil rig and kill myself." The Scostman opens his lunchbox and says "Oh NO!!! Haggis AGAIN!!. If I get haggis tomorrow I'm gonna jump off here and kill myself." The Irishman opens his lunch and says "Oh feck! Bloody cheese sandwiches again! If I get them tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this fecking oil rig and kill meself." So the next day, they all open their lunchboxes. The Englishman has ham sandwiches so he jumps off the oil rig and kills himself. The scotsman has haggis, so he jumps off the oil rig and kills himself. The Irishman has cheese sandwiches so he does the same. They have a joint funeral. The Englisman's wife says "It must be all my fault. I gave him ham sandwiches every day. He must have got so sick of them that he killed himself." The Scotsman's wife says "Me too. I gave him haggis every single day. He must have got so bored with it that he killed himself.", and the Irishman's wife says "Well, he made his own sandwiches." You've probably heard that joke before, but never mind. I tried
OK, I've just had inspiration.
Q. How do you know a man is thinking about sex?
Here's a UScentric joke:
I have a few! My dad tells these. It's good that he can laugh at himself.
Why did the man cross the road?
A guy friend told me this joke the other day... i actually thought it was quite funny so i thought i`d share :))
Theese are so funny, i had no idea of the possibilities, keep them coming to help me burst my stitches
I kinda didn't like this one...but my guy friend was in some funny misogynist mood soo....
Okay, how about this one:
TO UNT:
I found got sent this by a mailing list, called stuff from jason, and i have got to say some of this are just the funniest, altough totaly sexist.
A perfect man met a perfect woman. The had perfect dates, and then a perfect marriage. On their perfect honeymoon, they were driving home on Christmans eve, and they met Santa Claus. Being perfect, they stopped, and he told them his sleigh had crashed, and could they give him a lift? Unfortunately, the car crashed, and only one person survived. Who?
Cara, a number of those Guy jokes were so darn funny I nearly fell out of my chair reading them. hehe!! I'm a Guy, but I can take it. "Whatever doesn't kill ya, only makes ya stronger," course who knows what the "Heck" that really means...must be a phase I picked up in the Army. Ummm... Thanks again for the laughs!! :)
That's one of my mom's favourite quotes. It means just what it says: what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger ie, you learn from your experiences and become a tougher more knowlegable person. Just thought I should say that.
i found a load more, a few are repeated, but you can laugh a second time
ok, here's one.......
Can't remember who told me this one but...
Ha-ha those were funny. I got one that I thought was really funny. God created women after looking down at Adam and thinking "I know I can do better than this!" (sorry guys!)
I don't know if anyones said this joke:
So, um, do you guys *know* that you're hypocrites, or do I have to tell you that giving men to no respect leaves you open to be treated with no respect yourselves? Put "nigger" "woman" or "Jew" in any of those "man" places and you'll see how stupid this whole thing is.... making fun of someone based on their skin color, religion, or gender is just wrong.
True. I guess this is a fight fire with fire idea though.
the perfect man, the perfect woman and the easter bunny were all in a lift together and there was a 5 pound note on the floor. who picked it up?
Q. what do you call a woman with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant
Q. why did the woman cross the road?
A. never mind, what was she doing out the kitchen,
to name just a couple that i'm frequently told by 'funny' male friends, I'm after some jokes to bash the blokes back, but you just don't find any, any one got any crackers?
By Diabla on Friday, May 29, 1998 - 03:30 pm:
A. In winter Winbledon common's cold, but a Man Never has a common cold, only a 'deadly bout of flu'
By Becks on Saturday, May 30, 1998 - 02:07 pm:
luv Becks xxx
By Becks on Saturday, May 30, 1998 - 02:14 pm:
Q. What is the only reson that men are on this planet?
A. Because vibrators can't dance of buy drinks.
Q. What's the similarity between men's brains and the prison system?
A. Not enough cells.
See ya
luv Becks xxx
By Anonymous on Saturday, May 30, 1998 - 07:10 pm:
A. He's awake.
A man was trying to be romantic, so he cooked dinner for his girlfriend. He said, "I only know how to make two things, steak and fried eggs." His girlfriend looked at her plate and said, "That's great, which one is this?"
By Lee on Saturday, May 30, 1998 - 11:40 pm:
What's the difference between the way the Republican & Democratic parties screw women? The Republicans do it w/their policies, the Democrats do it literally :-)
By Shampoo on Sunday, May 31, 1998 - 04:00 am:
Q - why did got create Adam?
A - he was the rough draft.
It took a man to discover America!
But a Women paid the way.
Here's another one that's mostly sexist, but there's also race stuff in it too, so I'm just gonna tell you that I'm picking the races out of a hat, otherwise the joke wont work.
An Englishman, an Irish man, and an Arabian were hanging out, when this truck came by. A guy got out and asked the Englishman - who's the head of the house? The Englishman replied "My wife, my wife is the head of the house" and so they gave him a rooster.
The man went up to the Irishman and asked him - who's the head of the house? The Irishman replied "The woman, the woman is the head of the house." and so they gave him a rooster.
The man went up to the Arabian and asked him - who's the head of the house? The Arabian replied "I am! The man is always the head of the house! We're the most powerful, the man is always the head." Well, the man from the truck was very impressed with his answer, and said "okay, you get a horse! There's 3 horses you can pick from - the white horse, the black horse, or the spotted horse. Take your pic."
"Hmm... I dunno..." replied the Arabian. "honey!! what colour horse should we have??"
(okay, so it was corny. sorry!)
By Anonymous on Sunday, May 31, 1998 - 05:12 pm:
Who cares? At least he got off the couch.
By Helen on Wednesday, June 3, 1998 - 04:16 pm:
Q. Why should you never trust a woman?
A. You should never trust someone who bleeds for five days and doesn`t die.
:-))
By Cara on Friday, June 5, 1998 - 05:13 pm:
By Unt_ on Sunday, June 7, 1998 - 09:35 pm:
Q: What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already toldher twice.
jeez......
By Anonymous on Tuesday, June 9, 1998 - 10:24 pm:
Q: Why is a woman smartest during sex?
A: Because she's plugged into a man. ?
Just who's plugged into who???
DUH!
(a man told me this one.)
By DEMETER on Tuesday, June 9, 1998 - 11:06 pm:
yall that one is bad !!!! tasteless !!! pathetic!!!
Tell your guy freind to shove a sock in it !!!!!!!
By Cara on Sunday, June 14, 1998 - 03:30 pm:
-enjoy:
40 Facts About Men From A Woman's Perspective
1. Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.
2. Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.
3. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man
then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to
childhood, he's already
there.
4. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building
at the same
time, who would reach the ground first?
The woman--the man would get lost.
5. How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them
says and they both
last about 60 seconds.
6. How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they
see a woman in
a bikini..
7. What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
8. What's the difference between government bonds
and men?
Bonds Mature.
9. What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
10. What are two reasons why men don't mind their
own
business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
11. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
12. If men got pregnant ....
Psychiatric Services and serious pain killers
would be
available in convenience stores and
drive-through windows.
13. Did you hear about the man who won the gold
medal at
the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
14. What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
15. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to
show off and
shake the stove.
16. How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."
17. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4,000
stereo in it.
18. What does a man consider to be quality time with
his wife?
Pulling the sheets over her head and saying,
"Great chili!"
19. A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
20. What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
21. Why do black widow spiders kill their males
after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
22. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
23. How does a man show he's planning for the
future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
24. How is being at a singles bar different from
going to the
circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
25. What makes men chase women they have no
intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they
have no
intention of driving.
26. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's
God's gift?
Exchange him.
27. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
28. Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors,
and don't work
half the time.
29. What's the difference between a new husband and
a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see
you.
30. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women
31. How do you get a man to exercise?
Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.
32. What's the difference between a typical man and
E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
33. Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.
34. What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted.
35. How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
We don't know. It's never happened.
36. What's the difference between an intelligent man
and a U.F.O.?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
37. What is the difference between a man and a
catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the
other is a fish.
38. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
39. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because, back then, men wouldn't stop to ask
for directions.
40. Why is NASA sending up female astronauts in the
Space Shuttle?
Because, even today, men still won't ask for
directions.
By Anonymous on Sunday, June 14, 1998 - 04:05 pm:
The perfect woman. Santa Claus doesn't exist, and everyone knows there are no perfect men
By BlueEyes on Friday, June 26, 1998 - 12:57 am:
By Shampoo on Friday, June 26, 1998 - 03:45 pm:
-shampoo
By Cara on Friday, June 26, 1998 - 05:35 pm:
go to: http://www.btinternet.com/~flame/kim/KIM16.html
sorry i don't know how to do it as a link, i i didn't like to pinch stuff off somone's homepage but i thought they were r.funny anyhow
By Jess on Saturday, June 27, 1998 - 03:17 pm:
...... Q = what's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A = a computer can take a 3 + a half inch floppy!!
By MonkeyGod on Monday, July 6, 1998 - 04:37 pm:
What do you call the insensitive piece of flesh at the base of a penis?
A man.
http://www.winternet.com/~hanuman
By NaughtAngel on Thursday, July 9, 1998 - 06:29 pm:
Also here's one you can tell a guy who just won't get the hint...
"Yeah, yeah, I know you're good-looking, hard, and desirable...but so's a loaf of french bread."
Oh and here's something funny that I've told a guy before...
"I don't bend over, and I don't kneel down, so if you really want me to suck your dick-you better learn how to balance on your head!"
By Chocobabe on Saturday, July 18, 1998 - 12:58 pm:
Q.Why did the woman cross the road?
A. That isn't the point how did she get out of
the kitchen!(bum, bum)
Well, I thought it was funny! :-)
By Anonymous on Monday, July 20, 1998 - 08:18 pm:
By Anonymous on Friday, July 24, 1998 - 11:14 am:
By Anonymous on Friday, October 23, 1998 - 11:16 am:
the perfect woman of course, the other 2 don't excist!!
sorry! That was tacky and just damn nasty so i thought i'd even up the score;
what'dya do ifya dishwasher breaks down?
give'er a slap!
why do women have small feet?
so they can reach the sink easier!
sad or what! my info. sources were matt, dan and henry!