Life of a Girl


NrrdGrrl! Discussion Forum: Vent: Life of a Girl
By Ann on Sunday, July 12, 1998 - 04:14 pm:

I just don't seem to get it. Why? I tried to love myself when i was real young and I seemed to be able to do it so easily. Why can't it be like that anymore? I cried when I was sad and someone could show me something cute and cheerful and all of a sudden, I'd feel better. It's not like that anymore. Nothing seems to make me happy. Why does everything have to change?

I got a little older, and in 3rd grade, everyone called me ugly. I felt like I had something literally eating me up inside. It's the worst feeling. Then in 6th grade, I grew breasts and all the guys that called me ugly started treating me like a Barbie. I hate them. I hate them. Words cannot describe how much I wanted to kill them. In the middle of my little Christian middle school classroom. In front of everyone. But I didn't. I sat there, staring at the chalkboard, hoping my life would just stop. It didn't. One of my brother's friends tried to rape me late afterschool in the empty lunchroom. No one was there. I cried. I screamed. I hit him in the face and ran. I've ran away from everything since then.

I figure that one of these days I'm just gonna crack. Perhaps even now. My brother said I needed a shrink. What a load of shit. Yes, I am depressed. I'm a freak. But, first of all, my parents would never let me go to one because it would go against what they believe in and they pretty much just ignore the problem. I just want someone to talk to. Is that too much for me to ask? I don't want to be pumped full of prozac....i just want to talk. But that right wasn't given to me. I was taught to keep my mouth shut. Well, fuck that. They can't shut me up. Cause I won't.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing all of this. I know no one cares. I'm just hoping someone knows how I feel. I guess maybe I was sort of inspired to write my story. A few weeks ago, this guy that I didn't know came up to me and grabbed me and stuck his hand up my shirt. Heartless bastard. He messed with the wrong girl. Just because I'm a "nice piece of ass" doesn't mean they can fuck with me. They have no right. They don't know me. I've been through hell in my short life. I survived. I'm here.

And guys ask me, "why are you so angry?" "What's wrong with her??" "Oh, she just one of them womens' rights feminists...." "Maybe she has PMS" They have no idea.


By Star on Sunday, July 12, 1998 - 05:29 pm:

Ann

I know what you mean, even though guys aren't really like that to me... Flat chest have advantages, eh? But if you want to talk, toss some mail my way... Starlove51@aol.com.

Hope I can help...

*Star*


By Anon Grrl on Tuesday, July 14, 1998 - 05:02 pm:

First of all, those d*ckheads from your school that do that stuff to u r absolute JERKS!!!!!!! I don't know what u're like but if i were u i would just go to someone i really trusted and tell them what i was going through.

and... i don't think u're parents would just shrug it off, especially the rape part!!!!!!!

they wouldn't be angry with you at all!! and they wouldn't go with they're beliefs if u were going through this!!!!

u will think this is SOOOOOOO sad, but if u don't want to tell u're parents about it u should talk to a teacher or an adult at school who u know well enough to trust with this! they will know how to deal with this! if u wanted u could ask them not to confront the boys until they had enough evedence that they were well... ...bullying u and sexually harrasing u!

i don't think u should take anymore of this f*cking cr*p from those arses!

Good luck with it all!!!!!!

u go grrl!!!!

keep that head high!!!!

Luv ****


By Soph on Thursday, August 6, 1998 - 02:02 pm:

You say you've got no-one to talk to, but you've got all the women who visit this website - We all know how it feels, I think that every single one of us has been abused by sexist excuse for men in some way or another. (You more than most).

I used to feel as if I wanted to die. My Dad died, my Mum went into a mental home, I was fostered, and most of all, I couldn't stand myself. I used to think that everyone hated me - then I found out they didn't, and I found some great friends who liked me for who I was and didn't just take pity on me like all the rest. Now my life's got a whole lot better.

I can't really help you, but I'll my best friend used to get sexually harrased (before I knew her) - I'll ask her what she did and get back to you.

Star - I know how it feels about the flat chest thing! I suppose I should be greatful, but it just don't seem that way when everyone treats you like you're 10.

Anyway. Remember you are not alone. Life's a complete bitch sometimes (well, men mostly), but things'll get better - Just hang in there and think about all the things that are good about yourself - there must be lots. And I bet you felt a lot better after writing your message.

Keep on smiling. :-)

Luv Soph


By Ann on Thursday, August 6, 1998 - 02:37 pm:

ok, all i have to say is thanks....you girls are really making me feel a little better.....actually, i'm 13 right now....i remember when i told my parents after my brother's friend tried to rape me....they didn't believe me....i told my classmates.....everyone in the class hated me, so of course they didn't believe me....who'd believe the slut anyways? i'm really not a slut and i'd like to believe i'm a good person.....but i've gotten so angry, and it's changed everything about me....i'm bitter....it's even changed my posture and my face and everything....anger can do that to a person....well, i'm going back to school in 4 days....


By Anonymous on Wednesday, September 2, 1998 - 05:02 pm:

as bad as some things seem sometimes-they do always get better. I am a little overweight and even though everyone tells me that i have a pretty face and all, it always gets me down. My friends would come into school and talk about there new boy-friends and i would never have one. Now i have a boyfriend and i am not so obsessed with my body-although that is no reason or excuse by haveing a boyfriend. What really gets you out of depression or bad moods is when you start to feel better about Yourself. It doesn't matter what others think


By Anonymous on Thursday, September 3, 1998 - 02:32 am:

I would just like to say that depressed, freaked out, and crazy people are the coolest. Even if they are actually crazy, they can find the thin line between lunacy and genius and cross it. They are awesome. And don't worry, even if you think your life is the worst in the world, don't worry about it, there are always going to be someone with a screwier life than yours and I have yet to see one as bad (or extremely amazingly great, I look at it this way) as mine.

Vijay
vijay.a.kher.@vanderbilt.edu


By Abi on Thursday, September 3, 1998 - 06:15 pm:

Anon - going back to the having more confidence now you have a boyf. I understand - its not a i have a boyf and you don't look at me kinda confidence, but a i'm finally beginning to understand that someone can love me the way i am thing.
I've been with my boyf 1.5years now and even when he grabs a handful of loose flesh, he still says he loves it. Its so nice to be accepted how u are. Does ne 1 understand what I'm saying?


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