I yell at the T.V. set.
"LIES, LIES, LIES!" I yell. I'm laughing while I'm doing it, but I'm partially serious. I'm yelling at commercials for products that just plain lie.
You know the ones. Brought to you by the Ponds Institute. That glass doored laboratory staffed entirely by Bond girls with their oh-so-serious high fashion glasses and Pantene hair up in smart but sexy buns, leaning over beakers bubbling with pastel pink
potions and secret formulas.
I don't believe it. I don't believe in any of it.
I used to. A few years back I read ad copy feverishly, looking for the product that I was missing. Cremes, lotions, micro-encapsulated lipo-somo-podules or whatever they're calling them now. Placentas from unsuspecting Swiss farm animals. Minerals
supposedly scooped from obscure you- know- you're- just- unsophisticated- if- you- haven't- heard- of- this- spa mud farms. Vitamins supercharged and suspended in electrolytic hydrostatic gels. Scientific Breakthroughs! Aromatheraputic Natural Science
Things! Bionic Biotanicals! Noticible Results! A Significant Reduction in the Appearance of Fine Lines and Wrinkles! Skin Texture Improved!
Too bad nothing works. No better than regular old soap and drugstore moisturizer. No product I ever brought home in a bottle, jar, or tube made me beautiful. My outlook on life was not improved. My self-esteem was not magically repaired. I did not look l
ike the woman on TV. I didn't have any more or better sex. Nobody stopped me on the street to tell me I was glowing.
My suspicions have now been confirmed by Dateline NBC. They did an absolutely delicious expose of fradulent claims made by cosmetics manufacturers and the counter staffs at leading department stores. I was laughing and cackling throughout the entir
e report. The PR flacks from the cosmetics companies looked so incredibly stupid as they bumbled their way through pre-prepared statements explaining how none of their claims actually break the law. Nah, they just skirt the blurry lines of language
and clear understanding with their marketing jargon pseudo-scientific hype-speak.
Now I don't have anything against makeup, or grooming, or wanting to look your best. I'm very happy with my little black tube of MAC Red Tone lipstick, and Cover Girl Oil Controlled pressed powder. But I don't believe in miracles from a jar anymore.
And ever since I started viewing health and beauty ads as comedy, T.V. watching has taken on a new, and unexpectedly hilarious, turn. Give it a try!
My boyfriend thinks I'm crazy. Okay, okay, this isn't supposed to be about all of my psychological baggage, so I'll just concentrate on one of the reasons he thinks I'm crazy.