TRYING  THIS

by Tina Francisco





too much fuzzy can't hold my spine very even
in excess there can always be a never ending circle of happenings
because nothing much ever stops turning
so that when i stop on one thing it begins again
in the same circle and cycle
of always a cat or a shadow
or a light that covers my back
and seizes me from the inside of my brain
and a triumphant echo of nothing sees its mistake
and knows it cannot ever correct it
even when it cries for redemption it answers itself
with a truth which is too horrible to admit
when she saw a truth too horrible to deny because it cannot be made better.

too much fuzzy can't hold my spine too even
and it buckles under the weight of your steel grey eyes
and your confusion inability to understand to comprehend
to be what i wanted you to be was more than i should bear
when i saw you hesitate without my touch even though
you were there and said you loved me
because i was trying and you were never seeing anything
but your steel gray eyes told me to be better than i am
do better be better but you were never good enough

i protect you from your own embarrassment
it frightens me to see you so unsure

i am trying this on for size.

too clear to catch the light that stops short of my sight
even when i was young enough to understand
when they told me i was wrong even when i knew i was right.
i believed them because they must be right
if they are wrong then anything can happen
and nothing means anything so I can do whatever I want
and if I do it wrong it's my own
fucking fault.

what if you were wrong when you said i was weak or
too sensitive because i heard what you said
even when maybe you only wanted me to half hear
like the rest of you men with your ears half closed
your eyes half open hearts wide to the likes of Claire.
what if I can't eat even a stick sticks too sharp into a bristle
thick with your cum when you came to give the good news to me
with a smile that you knew would make me crazy to know what you knew
to be with you in the hopes of some of it rubbing off on me even though
i never wanted to be you.





Send feedback to Grrowl!






Grrowl! E-Zine © 1997, Amelia E. Wilson. All rights reserved. Works copyrighted by their individual authors.

[Jenny's Laundry] [Mother's Morning Call] [Trying This] [Strange Music] [What's Wrong With Me?] [Images of Beauty]
[Snarl of the Month] [Toothmarks] [Editor's Note] [Submission Guidelines] [Grrowl! Back Issue Index]